This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Twelve vials of blood that had to be taken just to find nothing wrong whatsoever. What does that mean? Every pregnancy I can never stop worrying about miscarrying. That I can never really tell anyone that we're expecting without knowing how they would react about us losing the baby.  Because with this recent one, I only told those that have been supportive of our journey. 

Labels: hopeless, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, RE, tests, TTC

There's so much to catch up on!  I had to take a break from TTC because it was driving me absolutely bonkers and plus you have to have some $$$ in order to go to the RE. After almost nine months of being unemployed, I finally have a job. It's a part-time Administrative Assistant but I'll take whatever I can get at this point. In December my unemployment would have been gone and I would have had emergency funds. I go through Adecco which is a temp agency that I hope many people know about. I have also been employed at TeleTech @ Home which I started working for back in October as a Customer Service Representative. It's basically a virtual call center but you get to stay in your jammies and work instead of commuting to work! It's minimum wage but you're saving money by not filling up your gas tank nor paying for a work uniform. Also for the holidays, they had great incentives and bonuses. I managed to get a $500 bonus that really saved Christmas. I still work there although not much because of the after holiday slump retail and call centers usually have. It's been a blessing because my TeleTech hours decreased so I was able to work as an Administrative Assistant. I'm hoping to continue there because once you go perm and you keep your stats up, you're able to get monthly bonuses depending on your rank.

I've been also working at home with Virtual Bee, Mturk and now ticketpuller.com and it has kept me sane through job interviews. It's ridiculous how they all work and it's a mind fuck most of the time. I even get the tour and told that they picked someone else. Really? After taking and passing county civil service exams, I have a few canvas letters. I'm really hoping I get the call to interview!

The other day I called my old RE office and after a long talk with the husband, we're going to be going back. After the cruise, we wanted to relax and let it happen. We're eating healthier and I wanted to stay in a job so I know I have a permanent income coming in. Plus, the work at home thing really can work once I have a baby. I just had another failed cycle which meant that it was over a year of taking a break from treatments and the natural way didn't work for us again. We have the proof of it through my Fertility Friend charts so my insurance can't say that we haven't been doing that. It's exciting and scary at the same time that we have our first consultation in April. There's a few things that I want to go over like the lining not being up to par (it has always been about a 6-7mm which is a borderline thin uterine lining) and thinking that's the reason why I can't hold a pregnancy. Everything else is fine and it's so frustrating because Unexplained Infertility can be a kiss of death when facing insurance companies. There's something wrong because you have two miscarriages but all the tests say that you're fine. I'm crossing my fingers that the doctor has a new plan and just wants to dive back into IUI's. That's why I like my part time job...I have to go to work in the afternoons so I can do this in the morning.

I'm hoping that 2014 is the year of having a baby...and being able to enjoy pregnancy.

Labels: Cruise, infertility, IUI, TTA; Casino, TTC, unemployment

With a new year, comes a new blog site.  I'm not that impressed with Live Journal like I was so many years ago.  So, I came here to Blogger and found it more user friendly.  Right now, I'm toying with the layout so you may see it change every now and then.  I'm also going to upload the previous entries here in the next few days.  Unfortunately this layout is not compatable with Firefox/Cometbird.

On December 30th, I turned 30 and it made me really heartbroken.  The journey to start a family is now going to start to get harder.  It also means that I'm no longer in my 20's and to start thinking when to stop treatments or procedures.  But that's only if we start back up again.  We got the insurance fiasco under control and received the difference back.  It was enough to save for airline tickets and to book the Disney Cruise!

Labels: birthday, Blogger, Cruise, Disney, LiveJournal, TTC

The insurance fiasco that is! Anthem has finally approved all the denied claims that were left hanging for a year and a half. They have processed them on my account and I just saw that they were out of "pending" statuses. I also called the RE billing office and they have received payment for those services. I'm also getting receipts reflecting this change in the mail.

Which means that it is a final decision and a nice little check is coming in!

It's becoming real that they aren't going to be wishy-washy. Even when I got my claims through the appeal process and I got a letter, something would happen and that decision was "changed". I also remembered that they made numerous errors in their computer system and "lost" my letter that I faxed over to them many times. Jer and I are hoping that they do send the check very soon (probably after Thanksgiving) so we can get the vacation paid off. Once the cruise has been paid in full, we can schedule activities that we want to do in the Bahamas.

We have booked our hotel and are doing things differently this time around. Instead of staying on Disney property, we decided to stay on Universal property at the Hard Rock. I hope that we don't regret it but it looks like a nice hotel to stay and Universal offers the same incentives that Disney gives when you stay at their hotels. I do like the new tickets where you can pass the lines (or go in one that is shorter). It's like Fast Pass at Disney but instead of coming back at the time it gives you, you stand in a different (and sometimes much shorter) queue line.  On our honeymoon, Universal just started offering them and sold them for fifty dollars. We liked them and depending on what time of day, you could go on the rides more than once (not supposed to because staff will initial that you were on it). Jer is a Harry Potter fan so he wants to go there but also they made minor changes to rides. Plus, they have a Margaritaville on the City Walk and has delicious food. The next thing to complete will be the airline tickets. I don't think that we will be able to drive down to Florida like we usually do because I won't get an extra day off to do this. Plus, it will be so much more expensive to park the car when we go on the cruise.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, insurance, TTC, Universal

As I cry in my wine, I just think of what I should be doing right now. Going online to check the latest toys and to the mall to decide what my children should be wearing for the holidays. Instead, I hold a very heavy heart that in a couple more weeks will be two of my EDD's and still I'm not pregnant. December 13th and the second one we were unsure because of how people judged us when we were 22. I think it would have been around Christmas time but I would never know. The college that told me that I was pregnant were pro-life and heavily tried to get us to adopt, so they weren't telling us much.

The good news is that the insurance has looked through all of the claims and will be approving them since everything has been approved that Anthem should have paid for it. We'll be getting a lot of money back and it will pay off our vacation in October 2013! I was really reconsidering to go to Sandals because I would have had to save a little bit more to completely pay that off. However, I think the cruise will be really exciting and if I like the Bahamas, we'll consider doing the Sandals thing in a couple of years. Also, I will be given information to who I have to talk to from my insurance that has a direct relationship with my husband's company that knows their EoB. Once they know our procedures will be covered, the manager will most likely approve it in their system or give me a preauthorization number to give to my specialist's office. I'm so glad that I didn't take the advice of both the original advocate I worked with and the billing office and to quit. This is something that I needed to fight, because what if I needed IVF? Without this coverage, that wouldn't of been an option.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, insurance, IVF, miscarriage, TTC

Don't get me wrong, it's not about my selfishness and self-pity. I don't like baby showers, I've never understood them and felt like I would be driving more people away. You don't know who is infertile or who just had a fresh loss. Of course, if you say no then you get people saying how selfish you are when that person doesn't know your story. Doesn't know that you've been trying for years to conceive. I was invited to one for a friend that has been through the ringer like us. For awhile, I've been busy taking care of my husband and going to my job. I haven't been around some of our neighbors. Well, that neighbor and one skank that I can't stand (it's a very long story, she is just very insensitive about my losses) decided to make it known that I was not wanted there at the shower. They ignored me or were extremely bitchy at me. I know that I can't change their attitude about loss but I did not feel comfortable around them. All they were talking about is their pregnancies and obviously since I may never be there, I really have nothing in common with them.

These "ladies" were talking about their kids and I just sat there--alone. I have nothing to contribute and really didn't want to talk about when I was pregnant. It freaks people out when I do that and I was at a shower. Or I could see them being really insensitive saying, "Well, you really weren't pregnant." I again see that there is no one really there for me anymore. My friends are just fair-weathered and at this point, have flown away. I absolutely have no one to talk to when I get sad because my husband doesn't want to hear it. The only thing that I could do was to kill them with kindness and try to chime in on another subject to talk about.

This is why I struggle with infertility. Because I'm surrounded by people who have children and that's all they talk about. If I don't say anything, they get butt-hurt and think I'm not interested but if I do add something, they look at me like I'm a weirdo. It seems I just belong anywhere anymore. If I do tell them that I'm just struggling, they say something insensitive and say that I need to get over it. No one knows this empty feeling that we both face and will only understand it if they went through it. I know that I just can't discuss it with them and it's sad.  That's why you call them a friend because they are supposed to be there for you through thick and thin.

Just stuck and sick of it all.

Labels: baby shower, infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, TTC

The hubster and I discussed it and we're going on a indefinate TTC break. It's going to be for a year so we can save up and go on a Disney Cruise and stay at Universal. He is a big Harry Potter fan and he's been wanting to go since it opened. We had planned to go down there every year but with the miscarriage and treatments, we didn't have it in the budget.

Until now.

The insurance will not pay for what they should be paying (just the ultrasounds for follie checks) and now they are researching the claims that were approved. I know for sure that the IUI and diagnosed scans will be approved because I had to go through appeals for them. But I don't know what they will find to determine why they're not covering it. Anthem has told me that there will be a possibility for me to not to be able to use the lifetime benefit for IUI's because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I find it frustrating that there's a gap of five years between my losses and there's no explaination as to why that occurs. I've tried everything, including changing my diet so I could get pregnant and I'm still with empty arms.

We're going to the Bahamas on the Disney Dream in 2013! We've never been on a cruise, much less a Disney one and it looks fun. There's things that adults can also do too. I booked it last weekend so it's going to be a long wait but I'm planning to save enough so we can do other things in Nassau. I always wanted to swim with the dolphins so I'm going to try to book that. We both agreed to do somethings we normally wouldn't do, so we won't have any regrets once we are graced with a baby. Hopefully, the Walt Disney World will be done upgrading Magic Kingdom so we can just go there for a day. But mostly this year we're going to just go to Universal.

I have lost the weight that I gained from fertility treatments but I'm wanting to get back in shape and lose at least five more pounds (I used to be 115 and now I'm 120) before we go. I have been using a natural detox drink two times a day and I'm beginning to feel so much better! I used to get so sick off of anything that I ate (no matter if it was gluten free) but since I've been doing this, I have more energy and I can keep things down.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, Harry Potter, infertility, insurance, miscarriage, TTC, Universal

I haven't had the time to get on and update because there were so many things that have happened recently. Grab the popcorn and here's all the catching up!

Last Monday, my husband had to go for another back surgery. Over ten years ago, he hurt himself at work and there was a big ol' battle from workman's comp to get him just the surgery. Two years of fighting in court, he did get it. However, the doctor that he was referred to when he moved up here told him that the bone was degrading significantly. If my husband let it continue, he would have been paralyzed from the waist down. He had his vertebrae fused together and also has bolts inside too was the only way to do this. It was a four and a half hour surgery and the doctor stated that the procedure went very smoothly. The nerves in his legs were showing much improvement and he is confident that this could be the last surgery he would have to do. Even though this is splendid news, the road to recovery will be a rough one. He can't bend down or do much of anything but sleep. He's been doing that and I've been trying to take care of him.

Last week, we got the final decision that Anthem will not be paying for the follicle scans that I did last year. Another fortunate thing too is that the claims department is looking into my other ones that were approved and maybe retracted. I really don't know what or how to feel about this. It's like we can never catch a break.

Labels: back surgery, husband, infertility, insurance, TTC

The insurance fiasco is almost finished. Today, I sent in the last appeal letter and all dates of services are now being reviewed! I have the advocate looking to see what Anthem needs to approve these services.

That comes to another discussion that we maybe facing: Continue with the same office, continue with a different office or just give up. I'm about to get a second opinion to make sure I'm making the right decision. This office I'm at diagnosed me with Unexplained Infertility with Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.  What happens if they tell me I need to do IVF and that doesn't work? What would happen if I did that procedure, go to another doctor and find out a diagnosis? I would be so pissed because I spent two years basically burning the money that could have been used to get me better and to try again. There is one forty-five minutes away and the one that we go to is about an hour and forty-five minutes away. Takes my insurance and everything.

I should have been doing this sooner but I was on the fence. I have been taking Red Raspberry Tea Leaves in a pill form to improve my lining. What is that you say? It's a natural herb that most women use to strengthen the uterus, promote blood circulation, and ease menstrual cramps. It's also used in the 3rd trimester to ease labor pains. Before you go jumping to the nearest herbal store to get some, there were lots of warnings to be aware of:

• Don't use it past ovulation! Very important that you start the regimen the day that you get your period and stop when you ovulate. Not only because it won't matter too much because it's passed the point where you may have conceived, but also because if you thicken your lining too much and it sticks, you could get a miscarriage because it's too thick! This is why trying to conceive (TTC) can be so tricky and take so much time to sustain a healthy pregnancy.
• Take what is instructed! If the bottle tells you to only take two a day, then take what is prescribed. You should only have up to 1,000mg of this stuff or you could have bad side effects.
• Don't take it with other fertility medication! Another big and important thing to consider. The reason why you should take it because if you use ART or use, say, Estradiol with it, you're going to overstimulate yourself. If you were going for an IUI, the doctor may cancel that procedure because of that reason.
• It may take a couple of months to work (or may not work at all)! I wish I could say this is the end all solution to having a healthy pregnancy (trust me, with all the crap that we've been through I wish I could say this is the case!) but every woman is different. It could help me but may not for some. When I looked up reviews, some say it could take five months to be effective.or it may not work for you.
• As always, speak to your doctor or RE to see if it's right for you!

I just started taking it and I can feel it working, blood flow wise. I really hope that this helps because Estradiol has so many side effects and makes me very sick sometimes. With Red Raspberry Tea Leaves, the only side effect that I've experienced was nausea. Because the hubby is having back surgery, so I'm taking this to prepare my body so when we're ready, my uterus is strong enough.

Labels: Estadiol, infertility, insurance, IUI, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, Red Raspberry Tea, TTC

Anthem has finally paid the IUI package! It included the sonograms, semen wash and the procedure, which totaled $640. It took most of the HRA account and only had to pay like $100. So, I only have about $500 left to pay so I can actually go back and do more procedures. Hopefully this will set precedence and no matter if we start next year, they won't be pulling this shit. I'm just so relieved that was taken care of and don't have to worry for the next time and that follicle scan was covered too.

I'm just hoping that the others are fixed very soon so we can get a credit that could hopefully be used for future treatments or to put in the housing account. We're still talking about going back, but we're having fun by ourselves. I think we're going to wait until next year because we want to go on a Disney Cruise and go to Universal Studios. He has been wanting to go to the Harry Potter part of Islands of Adventure but with everything that went on at once, just couldn't go down. Even though Disney is renovating, it won't be done for quite some time. We've never been on a cruise and it goes to the Bahamas. I think with all the hard work with getting this done, we can use that money to breathe just a little bit and go on a relaxing vacation to somewhere we may never go to once we have children.

Labels: Anthem, Cruise, Disney, Harry Potter, insurance, Islands of Adventure, IUI, TTC, Universal, vacation

It seems to be running through my head a lot lately...and each month, it feels like it will never happen. Two years will be coming up very soon (August was when we were doing the whole "Not trying but not preventing" but I think November was when we officially were TTC) and it feels like deja vu all over again. It took me five years to naturally conceive after my last miscarriage only to miscarry again. Will it repeat? Why can't I get pregnant when we have sex during the time that I ovulate and tried the treatments?

Labels: infertility, miscarriage, TTC

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.