This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

There's so much to catch up on!  I had to take a break from TTC because it was driving me absolutely bonkers and plus you have to have some $$$ in order to go to the RE. After almost nine months of being unemployed, I finally have a job. It's a part-time Administrative Assistant but I'll take whatever I can get at this point. In December my unemployment would have been gone and I would have had emergency funds. I go through Adecco which is a temp agency that I hope many people know about. I have also been employed at TeleTech @ Home which I started working for back in October as a Customer Service Representative. It's basically a virtual call center but you get to stay in your jammies and work instead of commuting to work! It's minimum wage but you're saving money by not filling up your gas tank nor paying for a work uniform. Also for the holidays, they had great incentives and bonuses. I managed to get a $500 bonus that really saved Christmas. I still work there although not much because of the after holiday slump retail and call centers usually have. It's been a blessing because my TeleTech hours decreased so I was able to work as an Administrative Assistant. I'm hoping to continue there because once you go perm and you keep your stats up, you're able to get monthly bonuses depending on your rank.

I've been also working at home with Virtual Bee, Mturk and now ticketpuller.com and it has kept me sane through job interviews. It's ridiculous how they all work and it's a mind fuck most of the time. I even get the tour and told that they picked someone else. Really? After taking and passing county civil service exams, I have a few canvas letters. I'm really hoping I get the call to interview!

The other day I called my old RE office and after a long talk with the husband, we're going to be going back. After the cruise, we wanted to relax and let it happen. We're eating healthier and I wanted to stay in a job so I know I have a permanent income coming in. Plus, the work at home thing really can work once I have a baby. I just had another failed cycle which meant that it was over a year of taking a break from treatments and the natural way didn't work for us again. We have the proof of it through my Fertility Friend charts so my insurance can't say that we haven't been doing that. It's exciting and scary at the same time that we have our first consultation in April. There's a few things that I want to go over like the lining not being up to par (it has always been about a 6-7mm which is a borderline thin uterine lining) and thinking that's the reason why I can't hold a pregnancy. Everything else is fine and it's so frustrating because Unexplained Infertility can be a kiss of death when facing insurance companies. There's something wrong because you have two miscarriages but all the tests say that you're fine. I'm crossing my fingers that the doctor has a new plan and just wants to dive back into IUI's. That's why I like my part time job...I have to go to work in the afternoons so I can do this in the morning.

I'm hoping that 2014 is the year of having a baby...and being able to enjoy pregnancy.

Labels: Cruise, infertility, IUI, TTA; Casino, TTC, unemployment

Got to give credit to the lovely husband.  Friday was kinda tough because of the layoff on Thursday and he knew I was down.  After work he surprised me and was going to take me to the newly opened Olive Garden around town and then go to the casino.  We got ready and it was about 6pm when we got there.  It was packed and we were told it would be about two hours to be seated.

Fuck.that.shit. 

We decided to go to the local Native American casino and have dinner instead.  We were able to get reservations to an Italian restaurant and it made so much sense to have dinner there.  Their food was amazing and the service was impeccable.  It was much pricier than Olive Garden but for a night we may not have for awhile, it was worth it.

After dinner we headed to the gaming floor.  There are gaming tables but I'm not very good at Blackjack and I prefer to spend a little bit of time on the slots (I usually lose my money in about five minutes on the tables).  I go through my first twenty in about an hour but my husband was winning so I dug out my other (and last) twenty.  We both started winning and by the end of the night, we won about $100!  We normally don't go to the casino and if we do, we don't spend much so it was nice to have a little bit of extra money in our pocket.  This is going towards our taxes that we just filed and need to pay.  It's a lot less than last year but we are paying more to NYS.

It was a lovely, romantic, and exciting night that we had.  He definitely knows how to cheer me up!  Have a safe and wonderful Easter!

Labels: Olive Garden, TTA; Casino

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.