This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

There's so much to catch up on!  I had to take a break from TTC because it was driving me absolutely bonkers and plus you have to have some $$$ in order to go to the RE. After almost nine months of being unemployed, I finally have a job. It's a part-time Administrative Assistant but I'll take whatever I can get at this point. In December my unemployment would have been gone and I would have had emergency funds. I go through Adecco which is a temp agency that I hope many people know about. I have also been employed at TeleTech @ Home which I started working for back in October as a Customer Service Representative. It's basically a virtual call center but you get to stay in your jammies and work instead of commuting to work! It's minimum wage but you're saving money by not filling up your gas tank nor paying for a work uniform. Also for the holidays, they had great incentives and bonuses. I managed to get a $500 bonus that really saved Christmas. I still work there although not much because of the after holiday slump retail and call centers usually have. It's been a blessing because my TeleTech hours decreased so I was able to work as an Administrative Assistant. I'm hoping to continue there because once you go perm and you keep your stats up, you're able to get monthly bonuses depending on your rank.

I've been also working at home with Virtual Bee, Mturk and now ticketpuller.com and it has kept me sane through job interviews. It's ridiculous how they all work and it's a mind fuck most of the time. I even get the tour and told that they picked someone else. Really? After taking and passing county civil service exams, I have a few canvas letters. I'm really hoping I get the call to interview!

The other day I called my old RE office and after a long talk with the husband, we're going to be going back. After the cruise, we wanted to relax and let it happen. We're eating healthier and I wanted to stay in a job so I know I have a permanent income coming in. Plus, the work at home thing really can work once I have a baby. I just had another failed cycle which meant that it was over a year of taking a break from treatments and the natural way didn't work for us again. We have the proof of it through my Fertility Friend charts so my insurance can't say that we haven't been doing that. It's exciting and scary at the same time that we have our first consultation in April. There's a few things that I want to go over like the lining not being up to par (it has always been about a 6-7mm which is a borderline thin uterine lining) and thinking that's the reason why I can't hold a pregnancy. Everything else is fine and it's so frustrating because Unexplained Infertility can be a kiss of death when facing insurance companies. There's something wrong because you have two miscarriages but all the tests say that you're fine. I'm crossing my fingers that the doctor has a new plan and just wants to dive back into IUI's. That's why I like my part time job...I have to go to work in the afternoons so I can do this in the morning.

I'm hoping that 2014 is the year of having a baby...and being able to enjoy pregnancy.

Labels: Cruise, infertility, IUI, TTA; Casino, TTC, unemployment

...judgmental people, especially to those that have illnesses.  Friend from my last post decided to call me again the other night and it got to that place.  The person that they knew has Aspergers Syndrome (Where the person has social problems and repetitive behavior.  Some say it's a "high functioning Autism") and because he would say that to her all the time when they were in fights she said, "He probably didn't have it and was faking it.  Good thing that I broke up with him."  This relationship was so many years ago and I don't know how the hell we got into that conversation but I said that you wouldn't know that.  She then stated that since he wasn't acting like others she knew who were also diagnosed with this, it was all assumed that he was only wanting attention. I put my example of how I'm Narcoleptic and that people assume that if I don't drop all of a sudden into a sleep, I'm faking it (This is actually the condition Cataplaxy, which some Narcoleptics do get or will get in their lifetime).   I was playing devil's advocate with her and I wasn't trying to start an argument, just trying to make her look at both sides and point out so many factors.  Sometimes people have different symptoms than others, he doesn't want her to think that he's just an asshole, or that he's venting to her about it?  Or maybe he was faking it for his own agenda, we don't know. I wasn't there and I'm not going to agree with her just because of her side of the story.  I told her how much it hurts to have someone say to me that I'm faking the diagnosis given to me and I have to work ten times harder at work to prove myself.  It was increasingly frustrating at work when this would happen, since I would get headaches and my eyes would feel so heavy that it would ache just to keep them open.

"Don't judge me because I won't date someone with mental illnesses nor like parents who actually discipline their kid!"

Almost a month till I go on my cruise! Whoot-Whoot!

Labels: abuse, annoyed, brats, bullshit, Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, husband, Job Corps, Universal, vacation

With a new year, comes a new blog site.  I'm not that impressed with Live Journal like I was so many years ago.  So, I came here to Blogger and found it more user friendly.  Right now, I'm toying with the layout so you may see it change every now and then.  I'm also going to upload the previous entries here in the next few days.  Unfortunately this layout is not compatable with Firefox/Cometbird.

On December 30th, I turned 30 and it made me really heartbroken.  The journey to start a family is now going to start to get harder.  It also means that I'm no longer in my 20's and to start thinking when to stop treatments or procedures.  But that's only if we start back up again.  We got the insurance fiasco under control and received the difference back.  It was enough to save for airline tickets and to book the Disney Cruise!

Labels: birthday, Blogger, Cruise, Disney, LiveJournal, TTC

The insurance fiasco that is! Anthem has finally approved all the denied claims that were left hanging for a year and a half. They have processed them on my account and I just saw that they were out of "pending" statuses. I also called the RE billing office and they have received payment for those services. I'm also getting receipts reflecting this change in the mail.

Which means that it is a final decision and a nice little check is coming in!

It's becoming real that they aren't going to be wishy-washy. Even when I got my claims through the appeal process and I got a letter, something would happen and that decision was "changed". I also remembered that they made numerous errors in their computer system and "lost" my letter that I faxed over to them many times. Jer and I are hoping that they do send the check very soon (probably after Thanksgiving) so we can get the vacation paid off. Once the cruise has been paid in full, we can schedule activities that we want to do in the Bahamas.

We have booked our hotel and are doing things differently this time around. Instead of staying on Disney property, we decided to stay on Universal property at the Hard Rock. I hope that we don't regret it but it looks like a nice hotel to stay and Universal offers the same incentives that Disney gives when you stay at their hotels. I do like the new tickets where you can pass the lines (or go in one that is shorter). It's like Fast Pass at Disney but instead of coming back at the time it gives you, you stand in a different (and sometimes much shorter) queue line.  On our honeymoon, Universal just started offering them and sold them for fifty dollars. We liked them and depending on what time of day, you could go on the rides more than once (not supposed to because staff will initial that you were on it). Jer is a Harry Potter fan so he wants to go there but also they made minor changes to rides. Plus, they have a Margaritaville on the City Walk and has delicious food. The next thing to complete will be the airline tickets. I don't think that we will be able to drive down to Florida like we usually do because I won't get an extra day off to do this. Plus, it will be so much more expensive to park the car when we go on the cruise.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, insurance, TTC, Universal

As I cry in my wine, I just think of what I should be doing right now. Going online to check the latest toys and to the mall to decide what my children should be wearing for the holidays. Instead, I hold a very heavy heart that in a couple more weeks will be two of my EDD's and still I'm not pregnant. December 13th and the second one we were unsure because of how people judged us when we were 22. I think it would have been around Christmas time but I would never know. The college that told me that I was pregnant were pro-life and heavily tried to get us to adopt, so they weren't telling us much.

The good news is that the insurance has looked through all of the claims and will be approving them since everything has been approved that Anthem should have paid for it. We'll be getting a lot of money back and it will pay off our vacation in October 2013! I was really reconsidering to go to Sandals because I would have had to save a little bit more to completely pay that off. However, I think the cruise will be really exciting and if I like the Bahamas, we'll consider doing the Sandals thing in a couple of years. Also, I will be given information to who I have to talk to from my insurance that has a direct relationship with my husband's company that knows their EoB. Once they know our procedures will be covered, the manager will most likely approve it in their system or give me a preauthorization number to give to my specialist's office. I'm so glad that I didn't take the advice of both the original advocate I worked with and the billing office and to quit. This is something that I needed to fight, because what if I needed IVF? Without this coverage, that wouldn't of been an option.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, insurance, IVF, miscarriage, TTC

The hubster and I discussed it and we're going on a indefinate TTC break. It's going to be for a year so we can save up and go on a Disney Cruise and stay at Universal. He is a big Harry Potter fan and he's been wanting to go since it opened. We had planned to go down there every year but with the miscarriage and treatments, we didn't have it in the budget.

Until now.

The insurance will not pay for what they should be paying (just the ultrasounds for follie checks) and now they are researching the claims that were approved. I know for sure that the IUI and diagnosed scans will be approved because I had to go through appeals for them. But I don't know what they will find to determine why they're not covering it. Anthem has told me that there will be a possibility for me to not to be able to use the lifetime benefit for IUI's because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I find it frustrating that there's a gap of five years between my losses and there's no explaination as to why that occurs. I've tried everything, including changing my diet so I could get pregnant and I'm still with empty arms.

We're going to the Bahamas on the Disney Dream in 2013! We've never been on a cruise, much less a Disney one and it looks fun. There's things that adults can also do too. I booked it last weekend so it's going to be a long wait but I'm planning to save enough so we can do other things in Nassau. I always wanted to swim with the dolphins so I'm going to try to book that. We both agreed to do somethings we normally wouldn't do, so we won't have any regrets once we are graced with a baby. Hopefully, the Walt Disney World will be done upgrading Magic Kingdom so we can just go there for a day. But mostly this year we're going to just go to Universal.

I have lost the weight that I gained from fertility treatments but I'm wanting to get back in shape and lose at least five more pounds (I used to be 115 and now I'm 120) before we go. I have been using a natural detox drink two times a day and I'm beginning to feel so much better! I used to get so sick off of anything that I ate (no matter if it was gluten free) but since I've been doing this, I have more energy and I can keep things down.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, Harry Potter, infertility, insurance, miscarriage, TTC, Universal

Anthem has finally paid the IUI package! It included the sonograms, semen wash and the procedure, which totaled $640. It took most of the HRA account and only had to pay like $100. So, I only have about $500 left to pay so I can actually go back and do more procedures. Hopefully this will set precedence and no matter if we start next year, they won't be pulling this shit. I'm just so relieved that was taken care of and don't have to worry for the next time and that follicle scan was covered too.

I'm just hoping that the others are fixed very soon so we can get a credit that could hopefully be used for future treatments or to put in the housing account. We're still talking about going back, but we're having fun by ourselves. I think we're going to wait until next year because we want to go on a Disney Cruise and go to Universal Studios. He has been wanting to go to the Harry Potter part of Islands of Adventure but with everything that went on at once, just couldn't go down. Even though Disney is renovating, it won't be done for quite some time. We've never been on a cruise and it goes to the Bahamas. I think with all the hard work with getting this done, we can use that money to breathe just a little bit and go on a relaxing vacation to somewhere we may never go to once we have children.

Labels: Anthem, Cruise, Disney, Harry Potter, insurance, Islands of Adventure, IUI, TTC, Universal, vacation

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.