This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Twelve vials of blood that had to be taken just to find nothing wrong whatsoever. What does that mean? Every pregnancy I can never stop worrying about miscarrying. That I can never really tell anyone that we're expecting without knowing how they would react about us losing the baby.  Because with this recent one, I only told those that have been supportive of our journey. 

Labels: hopeless, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, RE, tests, TTC

Because I didn't sign any non-disclosure agreements prior to my departure, I will tell you the horror stories that I had to face there (gotcha, Job Corps suckers!).  Before I start a long novel of my trials and tribulations, I will forewarn you--I am fully aware that not every workplace is going to be like Disney World, where everyone gets along and is all puppies and rainbows.  There is no such thing like this in the real world much less in a work environment.  There is a difference though of tolerating people with various personalities and being so hostile that no one wants to work with you.  I was there for over four years and I have worked in other administrative offices during my career with little to no problems.  It's sad when I favored my temp work-site than Job Corps!  Hell, I loved my Human Resource Internship at a local casino and you would think that would be hell on Earth because, well, it's a place where people get let go, explained write-ups, or have to go through the process of resolving other employee issues through mediation.  Not really touchy feely subjects. When I say that I had a job there, former students have stated that they were employees there when they are not.  Yes, they get paid and fill out paperwork but they are not considered employees, they are students.  I am talking about the staff that work both directly (teachers, trade instructors, cafeteria aides, etc.) and indirectly (administrative offices).  The events that happen in this post are either that personally happened to me or those that spoke to me about what exactly happened (which are very few).  Situations where charges are involved by staff or students were documented by various witnesses.

Regardless of what position you get, run if you are offered the position at the WNY center!  It pays well and I'll admit that, but for your mental health it's not worth it.  In my initial interview, I was informed of what type of environment and the "Job Corps Culture" so I knew what I was signing up for in that aspect. That center I was employed at had students from various backgrounds and culture.  If you never heard of Job Corps, it is a government program that helps at-risk youth ranging from 16-24 years of age.  At-risk can be determined if someone is a high risk of dropping out of high school, going into a gang, or at risk of substance abuse to name a few examples.  Most students are given an opportunity to stay in the dorms, get a very small living allowance while they are learning a trade and/or obtaining their GED/High School diploma.  Not only are they housed but given a work uniform (whether it be Job Corps attire, LPN scrubs, or denim jeans for hard trades) and can accumulate more funds for clothing.  They are also allowed to go on shopping trips and if students obtain Gold, VIP, or Silver cards they have the option to go on incentive trips like going to a local water park or a paint ball trip.  But shopping trips they have preference over any student, making it difficult for regular students to get things they need from Walmart. When they complete the program, they receive a check for whatever they complete.
But do you see the entitlement issue that can happen?  Yes, there are some perks but there are strict rules that need to be followed or they will be written up.  But some of the students, who sign on are aware of the rules because their admissions counselor explains them.  However, I think they assume they can do the same things they did at home on center.  One strict rule is that you can't have your cell phone during training hours (Monday-Friday: 8:00am-3:50pm) on you, regardless if it's on silent or not.  This is "heartbreaking" for some students who proclaim they must have their cell phone glued to their hands 24/7 because they say they were able to get away with it at high school.  I have caught a male student that was talking on his phone and refused to give me the phone when I kindly asked him; immediately wanting to talk to the Center Director.  Lets call this person "Peter".  Because it was a common area for students, I decided to take him to that area so there won't be an audience to show how gangsta he was.  I was thankful that there was another staff member there and did assist me in this issue.  After myself and the staff member repeatedly requested his phone, he refused every time. I tried to talk to Pete while another staff member came in to assess the situation.  Peter was getting agitated to the point where he almost attacked me and at that point I radioed for assistance.  Security confiscated the phone and escorted the student out while statements were written down and my manager was notified.  ASIO (Academy Security and Incentives Officer) brushed it off and stated that it was just a simple misunderstanding and the student would apologize if I agreed to it. I refused to meet with the student and stated that he should have been sent home since I felt threatened and the two staff members who witnessed it agreed that he was acting in a menacing way. This wouldn't happen because ASIO deemed that it wasn't intimidating as I made it appear to be and the matter was closed.  Too bad they didn't take my advice seriously because that weekend Peter was involved in an altercation with another student, leaving cuts and bruises on the other student.  Because Pete left marks, he was charged with a Level I Zero Tolerance for Assaulting a Student, Leaving Bodily Harm and immediately terminated from the program.

The really funny thing is that this place boasts that it's not violent toward staff when it's actually the opposite. The only way a student will be sent home if they try to assault a manager.  One manager who is notoriously known by both student and staff to try to instigate people while at work did this to a student who is known for a temper and known for voicing concerns.  A small violation that could have been easily resolved occurred in the cafeteria and instead of writing this student up and leave it like that, the manager decided to egg the student on.  The student said some threatening things but never acted on them.  Even when the student talked to ASIO about the incident and explained what happened, it didn't matter.  The student was charged with a Level II offense of Attempting to Intimidate and/or Coerce Student/Staff because the staff member stated that he felt threatened. This charge doesn't spell automatic termination but those on the review board recommended it and the Center Director (who obviously has the final say and sometimes won't take the recommendation) informed said person that he//she was going to be separated. But I guess almost lunging at me and berating me much worse than what was said to the manager is not considered violent? I guess it's also OK to terminate another student in 2010 that pushed the same ASIO so they could run to their dorm and refuse to come out because they were in the process of getting terminated anyways. They were also arrested by law enforcement, another rare feat!  But nope, Peter couldn't be bothered!

Speaking of zero tolerance, when new students are explained this it is a complete joke.  I had a male student sexually harass me which falls into this category.  My manager claims he/she didn't see it so there were no witnesses.  After writing statements to both Human Resource and the Liaison Officer that addresses student-student issues or staff-student issues, I was told that since the student claimed he didn't do anything so he must be telling the truth and I just couldn't identify him!  Nothing was done even though I stated countless of times I didn't misidentify the male.  This officer did inform me that it was confidential and to inform them if the student tried to talk to me about it.  Of course the student did and even after telling the Liaison Officer this, and again because student said that he, "didn't do anything" (even though I had a witness with me that confirmed that he did approach me) nothing must have happened and not to believe your fellow co-worker!  In 2011, there were a lot of students who were getting kicked out of the program due to second positive drug tests or those that tested negative for drugs when they came in were suddenly testing positive when a staff filed a grievance for them to be tested.  Some were also caught with possessing drugs.  Jeopardizing losing our first page placement in a report that shows successful centers, the director announced that he/she were willing to make "deals" with those that would have information leading to the student that is supplying drugs on center.  Or those that took some drugs from this person to come forward and confess before a drug test could damper their future in Job Corps.  If they disclose this information before the end of that day, they wouldn't be tested or the director would give them a pass.  What about the Zero Tolerance conviction for those that may test positive again within the 45 days stated in our policy book? Does that go out the window because you want to make sure that next year you can upgrade to a spiffy new luxury car model with the bonus incentive that you received for being so successful?  What about giving that to staff that bust their asses working and probably not have had a raise for years?  What are we telling these students that it is ok to do this, just don't get caught or make deals?  To even proclaim that to the students is insulting to staff that tell them to stay off drugs and also to the program that promotes a drug-free environment! Also notice that the police weren't involved?

When students' are terminated because of drug possession, they are rarely arrested by local police and the center will not report it to them.  The community has little to no respect to the center, the students , nor the Job Corps program as a whole. Many of the students are refused in certain shops due to store employees catching them stealing products to the negative cogitation that the program projects.  During my four years there, only two students were arrested.  The one that I mentioned above and a student between 2009-2010.  He was employed at a local pharamacy since he was at the next stage of the program where he was given privilege to work an internship at a local pharmacy.  Because he was off-center, he was caught stealing narcotic medications in hopes to sell on our center.  You will not find anything in the news about this because everything is swept under the rug.  I was also accused of racism because I had a case of mistaken identity and that person decided to compare the person's name I said and her skin color to me.  Even though I stated that people make mistakes and people call me a different name all the time, I said that it was inappropriate to take it that far.  I also notified Human Resources, wrote a statement and the Liason was called.  I was told that since this student was leaving, they chalked it up to the "stresses" of leaving and nothing would be done, despite me stating that she should be accountable for her actions.  Because we have Job Corps Standards that we hold everyone else to, right?

I also was not informed of the bullying and nastiness of most of the staff that I had to encounter.  There is also a reason why they were mostly employed there--because a majority of managers and entry-level staff would not be able to hold the equivalency of their job in the real world.  Here are some great examples:

1. Because of their sheer incompetence: I knew some staff that were there longer than I was and they still couldn't figure out simple task that was part of their job functions.  An example of this would be, say, a counselor putting in an Administrative Leave With Pay.  In this instance Job Cops would be paying them to go home (whatever address is on file) to do what they need to do and come back to center.  Most of these leaves were court appearances and medical appointments. My department needed documentation to support this and attached to the leave form (any leave that we pay for needs documentation).  Before I left in March, there was a counselor that consistently sent horrifically erroneous forms to us and expect us to either correct them or record them in the system.  If they have a slightest mistake on them, we have to send it back and they have to start all over. When I say erroneous, it is so bad that I had to sit there for a brief moment to compose myself before I e-mailed them to send them a novel of what was either incorrect or missing (No comments as to why they are going on leave, pay travel isn't check marked, leave times were wrong, and sometimes the minor comment of what type of leave was incorrect!)  Mind you, I would keep the documentation that was given because that was the only thing that was correct but rip off the top form.  That way, there really isn't a hassle for them to get another copy of that.  That wouldn't matter because this person would freak out on me every goddamn time.  But the question I have is why didn't their manager who has to sign it (as well as the Center Director) catch this?  Because everyone sits on their hands and assumes that our department would fix it.  Due to policies we can't; there needs to be a system of checks and balances.  Ideally caught in time, it would save everyone time and energy (especially those that sign it) as well as paper.  There was another instance of the Duty Officers called me at 1am (yep in the morning!) because a flight was delayed due to weather.  They were given so much money due to policy in which they spent for food.  They called center and explained the situation.  I was called right afterwards instead of either calling my manager or the center director.  This officer expected that I could do something even though they conceded that nothing was open!  So why didn't you call the center director with this concern and say that you would call us before the end of the shift?
2. Their attitude and the whole, "lets throw everyone under the bus to deflect that I made the mistake and I don't want to be held accountable": Yeah, that got old really quick and because of that I heavily utilized e-mails for documentation.  That isolated me immensely because if I did use the phone and told the staff member to e-mail me what we discussed it wouldn't be done.  And that staff member would 99.9% of the time lie about the situation if confronted by a manager if a mistake was made on their end.  In regards to their attitude, in 2009 the morning sign in policy was that dorm sign-ins would go to the school secretary until 10am and then sent down to my department before the cut off time of 10:45am.  That way if a student is permitted on center before that time, they will not go AWOL (absent without leave) and won't have to waste time by walking all over center to sign in.  A student forgot to sign in and instead of going to the school, went to my office.  It was 8:30am so I told them to go to the school to sign, explaining the policies.  I left a message for the secretary that this person was coming up.  I get a call when the student came to her office, asking if I sent her up.  I confirmed and stated that I left a message on her voice-mail.  She asked me why I did that.  As I was explaining the policies, she started to interrupt me screaming at me that I was wrong, calling me obscenities before hanging up on me while I was talking.  I spoke to my manager who then in turn had a discussion with her manager.  Basically, I was yelled at for doing my job correctly by an entry-level employee in the presence of a student no less! 
3. Unwilling to participate in a team work environment: When I first started in 2009, I assisted many staff members with their work or assisted in the cafeteria as a monitor.  Still managing to get my work done, I went above and beyond.  I knew there was going to be a time where I may need some assistance and I could call on those that I aided, right?  Wrong. Another staff member was asked to help us file because the form flow in the office was really fast and one person couldn't keep up with it, it's impossible.  They obliged because I have helped them before.  First day this person was supposed to come down, never did or just was there an hour when they were supposed to be there for three hours that day without telling us where they were going. At first, I didn't say anything until my manager asked because I was friendly towards this person and thought that maybe their workflow was getting affected as well.  But when I noticed this person was in their office just chit-chatting with students and not doing work that was when I let my manager know what was going on.  When the filer did come down, because my manager was informing their manager what was going on, they were mad at management and decided to be a warm body at my office.  Instead of helping out, this person sat down and played on their phone the whole time.  I didn't have to tell my manager anything because it was spelled out that the filer wasn't doing anything.  They were only there for six months before being dismissed and I was left having to do overtime to catch up, only to be lagging again a couple of months later.  Great teamwork!

Labels: abuse, Human Resources, husband, Job Corps, layoff, miscarriage, tell all, unemployment

When I say this, I know that there isn't a force in the universe saying that because so many people can get pregnant meaning that it's getting taken away from me.  But this is really shitty:  Someone on my Facebook is squeeing that they are having a second child and will be due in October.  This is a person who does drugs and I see this person stating, "ZOMG, I got a new job!<!N@N" every two months.  And to top it off, it's all a "not trying or anything".  It doesn't seem right that these type of people scumbags can have kids when they can't afford them and I do everything right and have multiple losses and infertility.

I guess I have to do heavy drugs, drink, and barely keep a job.  Maybe I'll be blessed with a viable pregnancy.

Labels: infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss

As I cry in my wine, I just think of what I should be doing right now. Going online to check the latest toys and to the mall to decide what my children should be wearing for the holidays. Instead, I hold a very heavy heart that in a couple more weeks will be two of my EDD's and still I'm not pregnant. December 13th and the second one we were unsure because of how people judged us when we were 22. I think it would have been around Christmas time but I would never know. The college that told me that I was pregnant were pro-life and heavily tried to get us to adopt, so they weren't telling us much.

The good news is that the insurance has looked through all of the claims and will be approving them since everything has been approved that Anthem should have paid for it. We'll be getting a lot of money back and it will pay off our vacation in October 2013! I was really reconsidering to go to Sandals because I would have had to save a little bit more to completely pay that off. However, I think the cruise will be really exciting and if I like the Bahamas, we'll consider doing the Sandals thing in a couple of years. Also, I will be given information to who I have to talk to from my insurance that has a direct relationship with my husband's company that knows their EoB. Once they know our procedures will be covered, the manager will most likely approve it in their system or give me a preauthorization number to give to my specialist's office. I'm so glad that I didn't take the advice of both the original advocate I worked with and the billing office and to quit. This is something that I needed to fight, because what if I needed IVF? Without this coverage, that wouldn't of been an option.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, insurance, IVF, miscarriage, TTC

Today is a day in which I can remember my angels; it's National Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Day. In about an hour I'll be lighting a candle to create a wave of light. I did put something on my Facebook about today and yet, I'm not surprised at the lack of responses. It's proving the example I put, saying that it's taboo to even say anything about it in public. I'm not contagious to other pregnant women, even though people hardly hang out with me because they think I am.

It doesn't help that I also lost my little Burgy boy. The day I had to put him down was the same day that my period decided to show. Thanks for the double whammy, Mother Nature!

Labels: cats, miscarriage, October 15th, pregnancy loss

Don't get me wrong, it's not about my selfishness and self-pity. I don't like baby showers, I've never understood them and felt like I would be driving more people away. You don't know who is infertile or who just had a fresh loss. Of course, if you say no then you get people saying how selfish you are when that person doesn't know your story. Doesn't know that you've been trying for years to conceive. I was invited to one for a friend that has been through the ringer like us. For awhile, I've been busy taking care of my husband and going to my job. I haven't been around some of our neighbors. Well, that neighbor and one skank that I can't stand (it's a very long story, she is just very insensitive about my losses) decided to make it known that I was not wanted there at the shower. They ignored me or were extremely bitchy at me. I know that I can't change their attitude about loss but I did not feel comfortable around them. All they were talking about is their pregnancies and obviously since I may never be there, I really have nothing in common with them.

These "ladies" were talking about their kids and I just sat there--alone. I have nothing to contribute and really didn't want to talk about when I was pregnant. It freaks people out when I do that and I was at a shower. Or I could see them being really insensitive saying, "Well, you really weren't pregnant." I again see that there is no one really there for me anymore. My friends are just fair-weathered and at this point, have flown away. I absolutely have no one to talk to when I get sad because my husband doesn't want to hear it. The only thing that I could do was to kill them with kindness and try to chime in on another subject to talk about.

This is why I struggle with infertility. Because I'm surrounded by people who have children and that's all they talk about. If I don't say anything, they get butt-hurt and think I'm not interested but if I do add something, they look at me like I'm a weirdo. It seems I just belong anywhere anymore. If I do tell them that I'm just struggling, they say something insensitive and say that I need to get over it. No one knows this empty feeling that we both face and will only understand it if they went through it. I know that I just can't discuss it with them and it's sad.  That's why you call them a friend because they are supposed to be there for you through thick and thin.

Just stuck and sick of it all.

Labels: baby shower, infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, TTC

The hubster and I discussed it and we're going on a indefinate TTC break. It's going to be for a year so we can save up and go on a Disney Cruise and stay at Universal. He is a big Harry Potter fan and he's been wanting to go since it opened. We had planned to go down there every year but with the miscarriage and treatments, we didn't have it in the budget.

Until now.

The insurance will not pay for what they should be paying (just the ultrasounds for follie checks) and now they are researching the claims that were approved. I know for sure that the IUI and diagnosed scans will be approved because I had to go through appeals for them. But I don't know what they will find to determine why they're not covering it. Anthem has told me that there will be a possibility for me to not to be able to use the lifetime benefit for IUI's because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I find it frustrating that there's a gap of five years between my losses and there's no explaination as to why that occurs. I've tried everything, including changing my diet so I could get pregnant and I'm still with empty arms.

We're going to the Bahamas on the Disney Dream in 2013! We've never been on a cruise, much less a Disney one and it looks fun. There's things that adults can also do too. I booked it last weekend so it's going to be a long wait but I'm planning to save enough so we can do other things in Nassau. I always wanted to swim with the dolphins so I'm going to try to book that. We both agreed to do somethings we normally wouldn't do, so we won't have any regrets once we are graced with a baby. Hopefully, the Walt Disney World will be done upgrading Magic Kingdom so we can just go there for a day. But mostly this year we're going to just go to Universal.

I have lost the weight that I gained from fertility treatments but I'm wanting to get back in shape and lose at least five more pounds (I used to be 115 and now I'm 120) before we go. I have been using a natural detox drink two times a day and I'm beginning to feel so much better! I used to get so sick off of anything that I ate (no matter if it was gluten free) but since I've been doing this, I have more energy and I can keep things down.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, Harry Potter, infertility, insurance, miscarriage, TTC, Universal

The insurance fiasco is almost finished. Today, I sent in the last appeal letter and all dates of services are now being reviewed! I have the advocate looking to see what Anthem needs to approve these services.

That comes to another discussion that we maybe facing: Continue with the same office, continue with a different office or just give up. I'm about to get a second opinion to make sure I'm making the right decision. This office I'm at diagnosed me with Unexplained Infertility with Recurrent Pregnancy Loss.  What happens if they tell me I need to do IVF and that doesn't work? What would happen if I did that procedure, go to another doctor and find out a diagnosis? I would be so pissed because I spent two years basically burning the money that could have been used to get me better and to try again. There is one forty-five minutes away and the one that we go to is about an hour and forty-five minutes away. Takes my insurance and everything.

I should have been doing this sooner but I was on the fence. I have been taking Red Raspberry Tea Leaves in a pill form to improve my lining. What is that you say? It's a natural herb that most women use to strengthen the uterus, promote blood circulation, and ease menstrual cramps. It's also used in the 3rd trimester to ease labor pains. Before you go jumping to the nearest herbal store to get some, there were lots of warnings to be aware of:

• Don't use it past ovulation! Very important that you start the regimen the day that you get your period and stop when you ovulate. Not only because it won't matter too much because it's passed the point where you may have conceived, but also because if you thicken your lining too much and it sticks, you could get a miscarriage because it's too thick! This is why trying to conceive (TTC) can be so tricky and take so much time to sustain a healthy pregnancy.
• Take what is instructed! If the bottle tells you to only take two a day, then take what is prescribed. You should only have up to 1,000mg of this stuff or you could have bad side effects.
• Don't take it with other fertility medication! Another big and important thing to consider. The reason why you should take it because if you use ART or use, say, Estradiol with it, you're going to overstimulate yourself. If you were going for an IUI, the doctor may cancel that procedure because of that reason.
• It may take a couple of months to work (or may not work at all)! I wish I could say this is the end all solution to having a healthy pregnancy (trust me, with all the crap that we've been through I wish I could say this is the case!) but every woman is different. It could help me but may not for some. When I looked up reviews, some say it could take five months to be effective.or it may not work for you.
• As always, speak to your doctor or RE to see if it's right for you!

I just started taking it and I can feel it working, blood flow wise. I really hope that this helps because Estradiol has so many side effects and makes me very sick sometimes. With Red Raspberry Tea Leaves, the only side effect that I've experienced was nausea. Because the hubby is having back surgery, so I'm taking this to prepare my body so when we're ready, my uterus is strong enough.

Labels: Estadiol, infertility, insurance, IUI, miscarriage, pregnancy loss, Red Raspberry Tea, TTC

It seems to be running through my head a lot lately...and each month, it feels like it will never happen. Two years will be coming up very soon (August was when we were doing the whole "Not trying but not preventing" but I think November was when we officially were TTC) and it feels like deja vu all over again. It took me five years to naturally conceive after my last miscarriage only to miscarry again. Will it repeat? Why can't I get pregnant when we have sex during the time that I ovulate and tried the treatments?

Labels: infertility, miscarriage, TTC

Yes, the dreaded D word. Last night was just absolutely horrible and I thought that a nice night out to see Rock of Ages would do the trick. Wrong. It all started when I said something derogatory to a woman in passing who brought a 6-7 year old child to see the movie. It is not a movie for kids especially because it had some scenes where it was appropriate for little kids to see. Afterwards, Jer was screaming at me to the point where he went to the place and said "you ruin everything". I knew that he meant that last night was supposed to be fun and carefree but instead of saying, "You ruined a good night you seem to do that all the time" he said that. I started bawling because it reminded me that I ruined our family. My two miscarriages and how I can't seem to get pregnant right away. He also started arguing with me that he doesn't want to do the testing and that it consuming my life. Sorry that in the back of my mind I have a deep fear that I may never have my rainbow. That I will continue to miscarry and not know what keeps causing it to happen.

It got so bad that I told him I didn't want him in my house and that on Monday I will be getting paperwork to file for divorce. The fighting has been constant and for something so small. There was a fight yesterday about reminding him to let me know dates for his surgery so I can file FMLA with work. I didn't realize that I said this Friday and he yells at me stating, "You're beating a dead horse, just like you do with your miscarriages." Sorry that I have no one to talk to about how I feel when I get 'forgotten' by my other 'friends'. Or that our neighbors, that we do hang out with, don't want to include me because they are pregnant and I'm not. But, he can do the same thing where he repeats what he says to me and I have no right to remind him that he already said that to me. I love him and I always will but I think this is the end of the line. The only reason why he stayed last night was that I didn't bring my copy of the house key and he came in with me. But it didn't stop him being a royal asshole to me. He didn't put his hands on me and he never would, despite at how angry he can get. I went to bed crying, broken hearted that I maybe ending my marriage. I've known him for ten years, married for almost five and been through thick and thin.

This morning, he did apologize and he completely understood why I was upset at what he said. But I still am I thinking about leaving the marriage. Not because he doesn't want children anymore but he seems distant. I thought that maybe he would be better after he came back from CA. It started to but it went back to where it was. It seems like the more I try to save this marriage, it blows up in my face. I don't want to file because of his surgery coming up but if this continues after the fact, I'll reconsider.

Never in a million years I thought I would end my marriage. But again, I never thought in a million years I would have another miscarriage and be infertile. Life sucks...

Labels: divorce, husband, infertility, miscarriage, Rock of Ages

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.