My Confession

This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

I really hate...

...judgmental people, especially to those that have illnesses. Friend from my last post decided to call me again the other night and it got to that place. The person that they knew has Aspergers Syndrome (Where the person has social problems and repetitive behavior. Some say it's a "high functioning Autism") and because he would say that to her all the time when they were in fights she said, "He probably didn't have it and was faking it. Good thing that I broke up with him." This relationship was so many years ago and I don't know how the hell we got into that conversation but I said that you wouldn't know that. She then stated that since he wasn't acting like others she knew who were also diagnosed with this, it was all assumed that he was only wanting attention. I put my example of how I'm Narcoleptic and that people assume that if I don't drop all of a sudden into a sleep, I'm faking it (This is actually the condition Cataplaxy, which some Narcoleptics do get or will get in their lifetime). I was playing devil's advocate with her and I wasn't trying to start an argument, just trying to make her look at both sides and point out so many factors. Sometimes people have different symptoms than others, he doesn't want her to think that he's just an asshole, or that he's venting to her about it? Or maybe he was faking it for his own agenda, we don't know. I wasn't there and I'm not going to agree with her just because of her side of the story. I told her how much it hurts to have someone say to me that I'm faking the diagnosis given to me and I have to work ten times harder at work to prove myself. It was increasingly frustrating at work when this would happen, since I would get headaches and my eyes would feel so heavy that it would ache just to keep them open.

Well instead of being mature about it and stating, "Maybe you're right about those points, jerrysliljess. Even though I still think he may have done this to get attention, I never thought about it that way." instead it went, "I'm not saying you're faking your diagnosis, jerrysliljess, don't get defensive." I calmly then stated that I wasn't getting defensive, I was just stating that you don't know if he was faking or not, regardless of who else that you know legitimately has it. I knew this person when he was in college and even though I had no problems with him, I could tell that he was socially awkward like myself.

So you thought the arguments who be done? It just warmed up! For whatever reasons, it came up with the whole controversial debate about spanking kids and how it makes the "aggressive" or "depressed". Of course I put in my opinion where it should be the last resort when nothing works. Children like to test their parent's patience (I was a perfect example and I deserved the spankings that I got because I was a real hellion when I was younger) and if you don't show them some sort of discipline they are going to walk all over you. My sister-in-law is a terrible parent (yep, I said it) not because she doesn't clean her kid but she does a horrid job of disciplining her when she acts up. She does the whole count to three thing and the kid knows that her mother isn't going to spank her. The SIL will count and then forever say 2.(insert number) then when she counts to three, forgets about it and doesn't follow up with her. So my niece is a disrespectful, little imp and it's sad because her mother thinks it's "traumatic" to discipline her. This child almost blew up her grandparents' apartment because she was playing with the stove. What was my SIL's response when my husband told what she was doing? "Well, you should be watching her because I'm trying to talk to your mother and father!" My response? "No, because we're not babysitting your child just because you're too fat and lazy to look after her. You know, be her mother and a parent?" Yep, I'm a real bitch when I need to be when people like her think once she drops her turd to grandma's or if there's another adult in the room, it's assumed that person is going to watch her. Absolutely not! It's sad when my niece calls her grandma her mother because she is dropped off every single day.

So I said my two cents and the friend was saying that I was going to be a bad parents like hers. She stated that she was beaten because she stole money from her father. Because of that, she was so traumatized and blah, blah, blah. Bitch, I'm sorry but you deserved it because you don't do that and if my parents heard you bragging that you did that, I would have gotten backhanded. No matter if I was 16 or 30! This is the reason why so many kids and teenagers have such behavioral problems, because parents want to be their friends and don't want them to hate them like they did when they were growing up. Yeah, there are some areas where my parents really sucked (we never had family nights together. It wasn't because we couldn't afford it but because they didn't see a need for it and that my dad was always working for his company) but I wouldn't want to regret when I was older when Johnny, at age 28, is asking mommy to call his boss because they yelled at him. (Oh wait, that happened to me when I was at Job Corps!)

I mean, She continues to get annoyed with me because I said that I would probably done the same thing. I also stated that spanking is not a form of abuse but if you hit your kid with a bat, now that's a different story. Friend get pissed and states the same thing. I really just wanted to do this:

"Don't judge me because I won't date someone with mental illnesses nor like parents who actually discipline their kid!"

Thank goodness she got off the phone with me because I was ready to hang up on her because of her stupidity.

Almost a month till I go on my cruise! Whoot-Whoot!

Labels: abuse, annoyed, brats, bullshit, Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, husband, Job Corps, Universal, vacation

Saturday, September 8, 2012

The saga continues

The hubster and I discussed it and we're going on a indefinate TTC break. It's going to be for a year so we can save up and go on a Disney Cruise and stay at Universal. He is a big Harry Potter fan and he's been wanting to go since it opened. We had planned to go down there every year but with the miscarriage and treatments, we didn't have it in the budget.

Until now.

The insurance will not pay for what they should be paying (just the ultrasounds for follie checks) and now they are researching the claims that were approved. I know for sure that the IUI and diagnosed scans will be approved because I had to go through appeals for them. But I don't know what they will find to determine why they're not covering it. Anthem has told me that there will be a possibility for me to not to be able to use the lifetime benefit for IUI's because I'm not diagnosed with anything. I find it frustrating that there's a gap of five years between my losses and there's no explaination as to why that occurs. I've tried everything, including changing my diet so I could get pregnant and I'm still with empty arms.

We're going to the Bahamas on the Disney Dream in 2013! We've never been on a cruise, much less a Disney one and it looks fun. There's things that adults can also do too. I booked it last weekend so it's going to be a long wait but I'm planning to save enough so we can do other things in Nassau. I always wanted to swim with the dolphins so I'm going to try to book that. We both agreed to do somethings we normally wouldn't do, so we won't have any regrets once we are graced with a baby. Hopefully, the Walt Disney World will be done upgrading Magic Kingdom so we can just go there for a day. But mostly this year we're going to just go to Universal.

I have lost the weight that I gained from fertility treatments but I'm wanting to get back in shape and lose at least five more pounds (I used to be 115 and now I'm 120) before we go. I have been using a natural detox drink two times a day and I'm beginning to feel so much better! I used to get so sick off of anything that I ate (no matter if it was gluten free) but since I've been doing this, I have more energy and I can keep things down.

Labels: Cruise, Disney, Disney Dream, Harry Potter, infertility, insurance, miscarriage, TTC, Universal

♥ About Me

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

♥ loves

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.