This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

It seems to be running through my head a lot lately...and each month, it feels like it will never happen. Two years will be coming up very soon (August was when we were doing the whole "Not trying but not preventing" but I think November was when we officially were TTC) and it feels like deja vu all over again. It took me five years to naturally conceive after my last miscarriage only to miscarry again. Will it repeat? Why can't I get pregnant when we have sex during the time that I ovulate and tried the treatments?

Labels: infertility, miscarriage, TTC

Yes, the dreaded D word. Last night was just absolutely horrible and I thought that a nice night out to see Rock of Ages would do the trick. Wrong. It all started when I said something derogatory to a woman in passing who brought a 6-7 year old child to see the movie. It is not a movie for kids especially because it had some scenes where it was appropriate for little kids to see. Afterwards, Jer was screaming at me to the point where he went to the place and said "you ruin everything". I knew that he meant that last night was supposed to be fun and carefree but instead of saying, "You ruined a good night you seem to do that all the time" he said that. I started bawling because it reminded me that I ruined our family. My two miscarriages and how I can't seem to get pregnant right away. He also started arguing with me that he doesn't want to do the testing and that it consuming my life. Sorry that in the back of my mind I have a deep fear that I may never have my rainbow. That I will continue to miscarry and not know what keeps causing it to happen.

It got so bad that I told him I didn't want him in my house and that on Monday I will be getting paperwork to file for divorce. The fighting has been constant and for something so small. There was a fight yesterday about reminding him to let me know dates for his surgery so I can file FMLA with work. I didn't realize that I said this Friday and he yells at me stating, "You're beating a dead horse, just like you do with your miscarriages." Sorry that I have no one to talk to about how I feel when I get 'forgotten' by my other 'friends'. Or that our neighbors, that we do hang out with, don't want to include me because they are pregnant and I'm not. But, he can do the same thing where he repeats what he says to me and I have no right to remind him that he already said that to me. I love him and I always will but I think this is the end of the line. The only reason why he stayed last night was that I didn't bring my copy of the house key and he came in with me. But it didn't stop him being a royal asshole to me. He didn't put his hands on me and he never would, despite at how angry he can get. I went to bed crying, broken hearted that I maybe ending my marriage. I've known him for ten years, married for almost five and been through thick and thin.

This morning, he did apologize and he completely understood why I was upset at what he said. But I still am I thinking about leaving the marriage. Not because he doesn't want children anymore but he seems distant. I thought that maybe he would be better after he came back from CA. It started to but it went back to where it was. It seems like the more I try to save this marriage, it blows up in my face. I don't want to file because of his surgery coming up but if this continues after the fact, I'll reconsider.

Never in a million years I thought I would end my marriage. But again, I never thought in a million years I would have another miscarriage and be infertile. Life sucks...

Labels: divorce, husband, infertility, miscarriage, Rock of Ages

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.