This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

It's been two weeks since I found out that I was laid off and I feel so much healthier!  I know, I know, it's not what you thought I was going to say.  With this unfortunate bit of news, I have to see it as a silver lining; blessing in disguise.  Not eating at that god forsaken place has made me feel more energized and less bloated.  Even though the cafe  always tried to make it healthier, the manager always tried to find things that weren't going to cost an arm and a leg.  Don't get me wrong, it was a lot better now than when I first started four years ago but it's much to be desired.  Now,  I have a chance to have breakfast and make lunch that I like.  I'm also not drinking so much coffee and tons of water.  I've also been working out because I have the time and I really missed it.

Labels: working out;

When I say this, I know that there isn't a force in the universe saying that because so many people can get pregnant meaning that it's getting taken away from me.  But this is really shitty:  Someone on my Facebook is squeeing that they are having a second child and will be due in October.  This is a person who does drugs and I see this person stating, "ZOMG, I got a new job!<!N@N" every two months.  And to top it off, it's all a "not trying or anything".  It doesn't seem right that these type of people scumbags can have kids when they can't afford them and I do everything right and have multiple losses and infertility.

I guess I have to do heavy drugs, drink, and barely keep a job.  Maybe I'll be blessed with a viable pregnancy.

Labels: infertility, miscarriage, pregnancy loss

I was thinking of doing this for awhile and to help keep my hope sanity in check, I have decided to make a bucket list of what I want to accomplish before I have a baby.  It also helps me look at what I have accomplished when I get sad or envious someone that I know laps me or becomes pregnant when I do.  Well, here's what I have so far:

• Sit front row at a concert, to one of my favorite bands.  Went to the Backstreet Boys: This is Us tour front row (and center to boot!)
• Meet a celebrity Met the Backstreet Boys three times in the last three years!
• Go on a cruise 
• Publish one of my stories

That's what I have so far.

I also have taken up tanning (yes, shame me all you want).  I know the harmful effects of tanning but when I got married, that was the only time that I had enjoyed a vacation.  I felt so much cooler in Florida and had more self confidence to wear shorts and skirts because I wasn't so pale.  In fact, I'm going to get cancer and wrinkles anyways because I have always burned in the sun, no matter if I had sunscreen on or not.  And not to really boast, but I also burn in overcast and if I'm in the shade.  Without tanning, I literally stay inside and be anti-social to my neighbors and friends.  I moisturize three times a day and I make sure that I drink plenty of water. 

I tried Designer Skin Luminary and I really like it.  It's supposed to have a lot of vitamins to keep the skin moisturized, keeps elasticity and helps diminish aging the skin.  It smells really nice after you tan (I went to Wal-Mart to get groceries and people complimented on my "perfume")  It made my skin really soft!

Labels: bucket list; TTC; Backstreet Boys; tanning

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.