This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Got to give credit to the lovely husband.  Friday was kinda tough because of the layoff on Thursday and he knew I was down.  After work he surprised me and was going to take me to the newly opened Olive Garden around town and then go to the casino.  We got ready and it was about 6pm when we got there.  It was packed and we were told it would be about two hours to be seated.

Fuck.that.shit. 

We decided to go to the local Native American casino and have dinner instead.  We were able to get reservations to an Italian restaurant and it made so much sense to have dinner there.  Their food was amazing and the service was impeccable.  It was much pricier than Olive Garden but for a night we may not have for awhile, it was worth it.

After dinner we headed to the gaming floor.  There are gaming tables but I'm not very good at Blackjack and I prefer to spend a little bit of time on the slots (I usually lose my money in about five minutes on the tables).  I go through my first twenty in about an hour but my husband was winning so I dug out my other (and last) twenty.  We both started winning and by the end of the night, we won about $100!  We normally don't go to the casino and if we do, we don't spend much so it was nice to have a little bit of extra money in our pocket.  This is going towards our taxes that we just filed and need to pay.  It's a lot less than last year but we are paying more to NYS.

It was a lovely, romantic, and exciting night that we had.  He definitely knows how to cheer me up!  Have a safe and wonderful Easter!

Labels: Olive Garden, TTA; Casino

Today was the moment that I was dreading for over a month....

I got laid off.

My boss came in at about three with Human Resources and told me that I no longer had a job.  I felt the wave of hopelessness and I got a litte misty eyed.  There was an audit that we were completely ill prepared for and there were assumptions that I stole from my employer.  Luckily, I had the information proving my innocence.  But I was pissed because they had no proof before they stated I took money. I thought that would do me in but it's not my fault.  It was corporate's decision that they no longer needed me.  They let me have my eight hours which is fine and I cleaned up my office. 

Afterwards, I felt really much nothing and I don't think it has hit me.  I know that I was looking for positions but they never went through.  This job was so stressful and feels like glorified baby sitting someone else's kids.  I think that's why I'm glad that it's over that I can have my life back and not have to worry about someone calling me at one in the morning (yep, that happened). 

But the sad thing is that I don't know when I'll be TTC. Because when I find a job, I'll have to make sure I can keep it for a year because of maternity leave.  But that's if I can find another job. 

This fucking sucks....

Since we got the letter of potential layoffs, our student population has been dropping like flies.  We lost over 50 students in less than a month and by the end of March, 25 more students are expected to leave.  I know that yesterday, this total doesn't include 4 students that AWOLed (Absent Without Leave) out of the program.  We're down to 220 students and the director can't hold back....

Starting next week, layoffs are going to take place. 

Got that e-mail yesterday afternoon stating this and there isn't a choice--people have to go.  The center is taking volunteers to be consider to be laid off and I'm kinda thinking of doing so.  I've been looking for jobs and had a couple of interviews.  Unfortunately, they have not panned out but it's known that I'm not happy at my current job.  I would feel bad if someone was laid off that had been there for many, many years and I'm still standing.  Of course, they could say that they won't consider me because I don't have any current write-ups and terminate that way.  Even though I'm in the dark about who's going and who's staying, with the whole investigation of the National Office of Job Corps all the centers are being scrutinized by the media.  Here's the link if you would like to read the saga:  http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/federal-eye/wp/2013/03/12/senate-panel-to-examine-job-corps-enrollment-freeze/

I know that I'm not going to be the last woman standing in my department if population continues to drop.  There's only two people in my department and there's not a lot of work to be done in Records because of the enrollment freeze.  We did get rid of the other staffer who would come down for a little bit to get filing done.  But again, because of the freeze, there's still not a lot of filing and nothing for me to do.  So, I'm sitting around doing nothing most of my days.  I try to find things to do but it either takes a few seconds to do and there's still nothing.  My boss tries to give me things too.

What I have been doing is trying to pay my credit cards in full that are due this paycheck so I don't have to worry about them if this is it. Ironically, this month I was supposed to get either all or most of my bills completely done.  Because of my husband's grandfather dying and it was an eight hour trip, I couldn't do so.  If it didn't go according to plan, March 29th, I would have been sitting pretty and if I had to go on unemployment I wouldn't really worry about getting mostly half of my paycheck.  But like in the past, nothing goes as planned. 

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.