This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

For once, we got some great news....the kitties are negative for Feline Leukemia! They had their follow-up on Thursday and we still don't know how we did it. We were told that they had a greater chance of having it since the others were so close to Burgy and don't be surprised if they tested positive. I'm so glad that they fought those odds and didn't become something that Jerry and I are so used to hearing....that they were another statistic. Unfortunately, we're still waiting for Burgess' ashes to come back.

I went to NYC with a co-worker in a spur of the moment thing. We had a great time and little did I know that it was her first time there.  I made sure we saw the sites and I know that she appreciated that.  We saw some wierd shit happen on the subway and we even missed our connection to Times Square!  It didn't matter because we were just wandering around and got to see Coney Island.

For two years, I wanted to get another tattoo in memory of my angels but I just never got around to it. I also am not impressed with the tattoo parlors where I live, especially one instance where the shop was trying to pressure me to get the tatto that night.  Well, we went to Three Kings Tattoo in Brooklyn and got tattoos!  I got in on my hip and it didn't hurt too much.  Couldn't of hurt worse than my unicorns on my shoulder, right?



I gotta brand new tattoo, all the colors in it remind me of you....

That picture was taken after I took the bandage off that night. Right on the blue butterfly you can see that it had started to bruise. Both butterflies are bruised now. I have enough space to add more and look like they are flying up my side. I'm hoping that one day, I'll add more because that is when DH and I will have living children, not because I'll have more miscarriages.

If you are a Mariah Carey fan, you'll notice that the butterflies are the ones that are on her perfume box. I searched forever for butterflies that I liked and couldn't find one I fell in love until I saw her perfume package! I love her music, especially her song "Through the Rain" so it did make sense for me to use them. They are probably a little bit bigger than a nickel.   The butterfly represents the human soul as well as transformation. I liked the Aztecs belief that they were happy souls visiting the ones they left behind telling them all is well. It makes me have some comfort that my angels are content and visit us to tell us they are ok.

I learned that the B-12 shots that I use monthly for my anemia thins my blood.  Because I not only was bleeding on the bandage but I bled out of it and onto my jeans! It made sense because afterwards I'm was so tired and I knew that it may have been because there was blood loss. I noticed the artist really rubbing down my hip but thought nothing of it until I stood up (I was lying down). I've also learned that now it's trying to heal, I have to make sure that I don't wear anything tight. If I do, I could make the colors fade! I've been wearing a lot of sweatpants and making sure that I put ointment and lotion on it.

Labels: B-12 Shots, butterflies, cats, leukemia, Mariah Carey, NYC, tattoos, Three Kings Tattoo

Today is a day in which I can remember my angels; it's National Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Day. In about an hour I'll be lighting a candle to create a wave of light. I did put something on my Facebook about today and yet, I'm not surprised at the lack of responses. It's proving the example I put, saying that it's taboo to even say anything about it in public. I'm not contagious to other pregnant women, even though people hardly hang out with me because they think I am.

It doesn't help that I also lost my little Burgy boy. The day I had to put him down was the same day that my period decided to show. Thanks for the double whammy, Mother Nature!

Labels: cats, miscarriage, October 15th, pregnancy loss

For a few weeks in September, one of my cats wasn't feeling well. He was throwing up the food he would eat, and became very lethargic. We didn't know what was going on at first because we have three. Finding the culprit was tricky because Jerry couldn't walk around quite yet and I was always at work. When I finally found out that Burgess was the one sick, we took him to a local vet, in which they thought he had a hairball that wasn't coming out. I couldn't get him to his normal vet since they were booked but I honestly thought this one was going to help us. The vet gave me some medication and sent us on our way.

The next Saturday morning, Burgess was doing a little bit better but was still throwing up some of his food. When he had his follow up, the vet first didn't think too much of it. When they weighed my little guy, I was concerned that he lost two pounds. Again, the vet wasn't worried. After hearing the vet hem and haw, I really urged to get some bloodwork done.  When the vet looked at the results, he stated that he had no idea what was going on and really thought Burgess had some thyroid issues.  He really didn't want to give that diagnosis because he was so young and this type of issue happens in older cats.  Gave me more medication, and wanted us to come in every week for weigh-ins.

We would never have to do this because that night, Burgess wasn't eating, drinking water, nor going in his litter box. He again was lethargic and if we wanted to hold him, we would have to move him upstairs. He lost more weight during the weekend. I was hoping that he was going to start eating but that never happened. So i called his primary vet on Monday and they wanted me to see him immediately. Before I packed him in his travel bag, I cradled him in my arms like a baby and just soaked in that moment with him.  Burgy hated me doing this and would always give my husband a look asking him for help. It was adorable but in this instance, he never did this. He let me hold him and say how much I love him and I couldn't wait until I got home to see him. I promised him that he would get better and all this would be laughed at in a couple of months because Mommy was being a worry-wart.

I wished that was true.

My husband can't bend down but at this time, he could walk around at a slow pace and drive only small distances. He took Burgess to the vet while I worked. A few hours later, I get a call from one of the vet assistants explaining to me that the reason why our little kitty was sick was because he tested positive for Feline Leukemia. Because it was such an advanced stage, he would not recover and it would be best to put him to sleep. When it was looked further, the animal shelter that we got him and my other cat did not test him for this disease. There was nothing in his PetFinder.com account stating he was sick and I was lied to about it when I asked! Luckily, his "brother" isn't a blood brother but a kitty that came in with him. Putting Burgess down was the hardest things that I have ever done. When I was coming home from work to pick up the hubby, we found one of my felt blankets that he would claim as his. We brought that with us and he had it with him always.

After we found out what happened to our little cat, we both decided to Google the condition. Feline Leukemia is extremely contagious and can be contracted through bites, grooming, and through the litter box and food dishes (although it's very rare). According to Cornell University,

"In the United States, approximately 2 to 3% of all cats are infected with FeLV. Rates rise significantly—13% or more—in cats that are ill, very young, or otherwise at high risk of infection." (http://www.vet.cornell.edu/fhc/brochures/felv.html)
 

Mostly kittens contract it because they have weaker immune systems, but older cats usually can fight off the disease before it progresses. The normal lifespan is usually 2-3 years but it depends on the cat's diet and if they can handle their stress levels (like humans, stress weakens their immune systems). They can life longer if the owner changes the following.

Burgess was extremely spoiled and we were blessed that he managed to survive to see his fourth birthday (albeit, it was only for a few days). Even though we didn't know that he had this until it was too late, we never took him for granted. We gave him as much love as we possibly could and I always said that I loved them before I left the house. It's almost been a month since we lost him (September 24th) but I still miss him so much. It's hard to come home after a rough day and not find him waiting at the window or quickly running to the back door to think he was waiting all day there for me to get home. That would melt my frustration away almost instantaneously. I know that he is no longer in pain, but it just sucks that I would be doing this when he was 14, not at 4. He was just a baby. The other ones are going to be tested this week and I don't know what to do in all honesty. If both of them have it, there's no discussion--we'll be making sure that they do not do any escape attempts (There was never a time that Burgess made it out of the house.), change their diets and let them live their lives until they get really sick. Right now, they do not have any symptoms and I will not put them down if they don't. Now, I do not know what will happen if one of them has it and the other one doesn't. I haven't thought about that quite yet.

This is one of my favorite picture of Burgess, always being so inquisitive and playful. The way I will always remember him.

Labels: cats, euthanize, feline leukemia, vet

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.