This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

So this month I again have to wait (aka "benched") because I waited to make sure that I was in fact not pregnant. Last Monday the blood test confirmed it but too late to start with the ultrasounds and bloodwork. Plus with the mild form of ohss it was best. 

Kinda figured that this would be the outcome despite all the "great response" I had on Gonal-F. Where I produced four eggs (in which one didn't get fertilized after the fact, confirmed when I had to go back to make sure I didn't have fluid in my ovaries) and even had a triple lining before the IUI procedure. All of that was dashed when I was first spotting and now starting with a heavier flow. I have no doubt in my mind that my period has started instead of it just being whatever eggs didn't attach. I have to wait until Monday to take a blood test since it's only 11DPO. 

So Saturday was when I went to the specialist for the IUI and I could really feel the HCG injections working on that Thursday night. It was also very embarrassing that I was mixing my HCG at one of my friend's house while watching Derek Jeter playing his last home game. Luckily it was a friend who is going through almost the same thing as my husband and I. Enjoyed the last inning of it and was very bittersweet that Jeter saved the day and won it.

When we went to the specialist office and had the procedure done, it wasn't like the last two where it was excruciating. I think because my ovaries were still working overtime I just couldn't feel much pressure. Once it was completed one of the nurses stated to just take it easy the next day and don't be surprised that I will be in pain for the next couple of days. We would have to call just in case if I had trouble breathing. Afterwards we were on our merry way en route to one of my other friend's home for brunch before we headed over to an orchard to pick apples. It was a beautiful day to do so and what we brought home were so delicious! Their cider wasn't so bad either.

Then at night, we had dinner with another set of friends and invited us to go to the Bahamas with them on the Disney Cruiseline! They also know of our struggles but they never had the misfortune of losing any of their two children. When we explained that we may have to cancel if this cycle is a success, they were very understanding. At their house we made the down-payment to go in May.  I love my Disney Chase card because when I book my Disney vacation, I not only receive points to use on it (plus $50 onboard credit!) but also get six months of no APR charges! So very excited because both my husband and I agreed that we're going to do a lot of the activities on-board instead of going to the port.  When we went last year, we missed out because we had our excursion at Atlantis' largest aquarium. That was a very nice visit but seeing the shops I just didn't feel comfortable being harassed. I really like to try the bartending class that one of the couples we befriended went to and they enjoyed it. If I have to cancel because I do become pregnant, I wouldn't mind either.

The next day I could feel tremendous pressure and bloating to the point where I couldn't walk up straight nor go the bathroom without any pain. Just still thought because of the IUI I was going to be uncomfortable. I was just so puffy that I couldn't fit into my pants and I had to wear sweatpants for nearly a week! Things seemed to be getting better until this Wednesday I had trouble breathing. Turns out that when I went back to my specialist's office I had a mild form of hyper-stimulation. There was free fluid in my left ovaries but not much to drain. The reason why I felt pressure when going to the bathroom was that my ovaries were 7 cm big...three times the size of what they should be. Also my right ovaries were pressing up against my bladder.  I'm starting to feel better and I'm starting to fit into my jeans again. I just have to drink lots of water though.

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.