This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Just got back from my ultrasound and I'm like a rabbit! The tape wanted me to decrease my Gonal dose so I did and to come back the next day to for the ultrasound. When I came back they found that my right ovary was very busy...I have four eggs but a lot that weren't mature enough for the HCG shot that I have to take tonight. The bloodwork was showing that my estrogen levels were low...about 40 but the recent blood-draw showed them up around 447. So I respond extremely well using the Gonal-F injections. It maybe that during ovulation the estrogen levels just don't rise up like they should. Saturday is my IUI!

Crazyness but it would explain why I'm feeling very tender in my lower stomach.

It has been a busy yet exciting couple of months after I was benched due to having a large cyst. My husband and I went on a boating trip with another couple we're friends with for a weekend. While he and the boys were sailing, the ladies decided to go to wineries. It was in a nice little town near the Rochester, NY area and we went camping last month for our anniversary. Of course brought a case of wine back home and they were so delicious. My favorite one had to be Bully Hill Winery not because their selection was so cheap (a bottle will cost you about $8.99 without any case discounts) but they were so good! When we were wine tasting there, the connoisseurs were so quirky and it just had an all around friendly vibe.** With all the wineries there, it was refreshing to have the discount of buying 3-7 bottles where I live they don't have that. In order to get a discount you at least have to have 6 bottles of wine being purchased.

So in the middle of August I went back to my specialist to see if the cyst went away and it did. When I asked if it was recurrent and if so, would it be removed or how we would go around the next cycle happening like that again. Couldn't do much of anything was my answer and just to cancel the medicated cycle.

Really?

So if it the cysts are the problem that I can't get pregnant nor maintain a pregnancy, there's nothing they can do. Every time they come, it's a cancelled cycle and I'm benched until the next month. I'm so glad that I have $600 worth of Gonal-F in my fridge so it can just sit there and collect dust. The more I'm there, the more depressed I get and the more I just don't want to go back. Second opinion is looking great right now.

Hence, that is why I don't really write here anymore. It's been three months since my last miscarriage and the more the months pass by, the more angry and depressed I get. My neighbors who went through fertility treatments and had a child have seem to have forgotten about us and many other friends. I think that our neighbors just don't want to speak to us because it's a painful part of their lives they don't want to revisit. Or I get the long, sympathetic looks every time I have to talk to someone and they know our struggles. I also think of where I would be in that pregnancy and how happy I should be and would know if I was having a boy or a girl. Instead I'm just so depressed and cry most of the time. Hoping and praying that maybe one of the next cycles would be 'it'. Or just thinking that next month is the last time I'll ever ttc again, throwing in the towel because nothing is working.

Absolutely hate feeling this way and there's nothing that can fix me...I'm just tragically broken ever since 5/31/2014 when I had my third miscarriage.

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.