My Confession

This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Too good to be true...

Just found out that I miscarried for the third time since my betas have significantly dropped from 54 to 13. To say that I'm devastated would be an understatement. For almost four years I've been trying again after my last miscarriage and for it to end like this is just flucking unfair.

I guess I have to be a crack whore in order to stay pregnant.

Monday, May 26, 2014

How I love the lab...

So on Friday I went to the lab to get my second beta draw out and it was packed due to the imminent Memorial Day weekend. I didn't have an appointment since I was getting there at the crack of dawn to get this over with. Little did I know that it was invasion of old geezers who have nothing to do in the morning but to get their tests done and the lab was severely understaffed (one tech and the other was training). The geezers were so annoying with their quips and comments in the waiting room. How dare they wait because they didn't make an appointment and it's busy at the lab?!

So an hour and a half later, I get my blood drawn even though I should have been seen earlier due to them skipping my name. Whatever, I'm happy to get it done before the cut off time so I'm not in limbo over the four day weekend. My husband and I were getting ready to go down to see our families for the weekend and the RE office called really, really late.

They had my results and they were so confused at the data that they were given by the lab. The tests shown that my progesterone was going up and it was great for being now 19 dpo. However the hcg was still the same as Tuesday. So the tests were given to my RE after the RN on duty asked for the number again over the phone in which the tech rudely confirmed it was still 56. My RE was still confused and called the lab in which they stated again the number was correct. I asked if it was an ectopic and the RN told me that if it was the case the progesterone would be decreasing not increasing. I found the progesterone level hopeful because I ran out of the injections that I was using and had to ration my dosage until I refilled that day.

So regardless I'm in limbo until tomorrow, thanks to the lab who can't do their fucking job.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The verdict is...

I'm pregnant! Yup, the second IUI worked this time and my hcg levels are 56 when drawn on 16 DPO (which is today!). For years I longed for this and I really thought that I was done for this cycle. Here's my stats that I've been keeping just in case this cycle was a success:

Insemination day: Very crampy and tired but that is what you expect with that procedure.

1DPO-5DPO: No cramping but terrible cravings for ice cream. I also was very tired but since I had the trigger shot in my system I thought it was the side effect of that as well as cravings.

6DPO-14DPO: Cramping came back but this time just at night and they felt like period cramps. My face broke out like a kid, especially near my t-zone. Nauseous, especially near 14dpo. My breasts were very sore. I thought that the acne breakouts and nausea were the progesterone I was taking so I wasn't getting my hopes up.

12 DPO: I had pink spotting that didn't even need a panty liner and it was gone within a day. Because of the Progesterone, I thought it was merely where I must have irritated my cervix. I also took a pregnancy test that evening in which I was negative. Again, thought this cycle was a bust because even though the trigger shot was confirmed out by the test, I thought if I was pregnant the hcg would be enough to show on that test. I used a digital so I'm thinking that the bleeding was implantation bleeding and I had to wait a little bit longer for the level to increase or I was pregnant and there wasn't enough of that level to show on the test. It makes sense with the first observation because of the hcg in my system at the time of my blood test.

I know that every woman is different during pregnancy but none of these symptoms occurred with my first IUI. I did cramp just a little bit after the procedure but I was fine afterwards. I'm nervous, scared, and anxious for my next blood draw on Friday (5/23). I'm hoping that the betas double and I'm not at risk like I was in 2010. It doesn't help that my RE office wanted the level to be higher and asked me what DPO it was for today because they thought I was later in my cycle (this happened the day before insemination where they couldn't figure out my cycle even though I had my Fertility Friend chart in front of them). So that is making me anxious that I'm at risk of miscarrying despite them saying that I wasn't in a threatened miscarriage state.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Two more days....

Until I can get a blood test to see if I'm pregnant or not and the wait is killing me! I have been trying to keep busy with work and my cross-stitching but it's not really helping. It doesn't help that the Progesterone and the HCG shot were giving me pregnancy symptoms which made me feel hopeful that this could be it. Silly me took a pregnancy test which turned out negative on 12 DPO. This means that the trigger shot is completely out and it could be that there's not enough of the actual HCG level to confirm on a test.

Or it could mean that this cycle is once again a bust.

Really not trying to be hopeful because of so many heartbreaking years of seeing negative tests one after another. The insurance did take it out of our HRA and applied it to our deductible this time. Thank goodness because the blood tests that were conducted at our consultation was over $1,400! Nothing was found unfortunately but I don't have the $$$ to pay for it and then fight the insurance again to get compensated like last time. I have to quit my assignment with Adecco because of the appointments and also due to the fact that it's only part time and $9 an hour. I really thought that I would have been asked if I wanted to be permanently hired on and maybe get a raise by now. I'm just keeping my head above water but not by much. I don't even know if this is infact a temp-to-perm because I know how recruiters lie to me but needed something to get money in the household since my unemployment ran out in December. I found a stay-at-home job that will have me on the phones full-time and same pay rate. My shift is in the afternoons granting me time in the morning to go to my RE appointments without any questions raised (happening right now at my temp assignment).

So Tuesday's the big day and I'll be going in early to get it out of the way. Then patiently waiting for my office to give me the results over the phone. I'm picking out my wine bottle so when I get home from work I can indulge if it's bad news. At least my deductible is almost met so I will only pay 10% or nothing for the IUI's. Knowing my luck, the $15,000 lifetime maximum will be used so I can't use IVF in the near future.

I hate insurance companies...they are evil motherfuckers.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Trying to keep it together....

Yesterday was quite a day up to my update consult....and I felt bad for my RE.

I can't say a bad thing about him: very emphatic, doesn't rush you out of his office, and will work with you on testing if the insurance won't accept it. Went through the normal questions such as if you ever gotten pregnant, when was your lmp and what you would like to do once it's after 10 dpo. He was looking at my file and told me he wanted to do some other types of blood work. I previously had FSH, TSH, and lupus blood tests that deemed I was fine but yet I haven't been pregnant in four years. Because my period started the same day as our consultation appointment, the RE ordered another round of tests that would look at the egg quality to see if I may have DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve). He changed our diagnosis from Unexplained Infertility to Reoccuring Pregnancy Loss and looked in our file to see if there was anything else that he may have been overlooking.

The reason why I feel so bad is that he's baffled that I'm healthy but yet had those two miscarriages exactly five years apart. It also doesn't help that they were in the 7 week mark when a heartbeat couldn't be seen nor heard. But yet, there was nothing wrong with one of those pregnancies nor the baby I was bearing. My first one I never had pathology results done and it was chalked up to a "possible ectopic pregnancy". I was also given some Endometrin and was told the game plan for this cycle: Femara, another IUI and then progesterone supplements two times a day. Endometrin is supposed to help keep my progesterone levels up during the 2ww so if the egg attaches to my uterine wall it won't end in miscarriage. We're all hopeful at this time that maybe it will work.

On 5/3 I set up an ultrasound appointment because the job that I'm working is having issues with me going to my doctor's office to do these tests. I planned to do this on a weekend just in case they wanted to do the IUI on that Sunday if I was ovulating like I should have been. That whole entire week, I was testing on OPK's which were turning up negative. I never tested on that Saturday since I was going to the office and maybe the tech could see me ovulating. I was out on Friday and didn't want to buy another case just for one more stick. I was only CD 12 and usually I ovulate between CD 13-14. After my ultrasound, my husband and I went to another room where I was told that they don't know what is going on with my follices. I had a huge folly and the nurse couldn't confirm whether it was an older or newer one. So they wanted me to monitor it by using an OPK and to call if it was positive later that day. Depending on those circumstances, I may have had to do an ultrasound on CD 3 to monitor it more closely. They scheduled us for an IUI on Monday morning and wanted me to take the HCG shot if the OPK was negative. If it was positive, I had to come back the next day for the IUI and take the HCG shot. I was to call them regardless of the outcome.

So we get home, I buy another box of OPK's and the waiting game was beginning. Like instructed I took the tests and whatda ya know? It's fucking positive! I had a feeling that morning that it would be just because of my sheer luck of using all my previous OPK's that week. I took the HCG shot, called the nurse on duty to explain the situation. The nurse suggested that we come in and just find a nurse to let them know he needed to submit a sample.

We had to be at the specialist's office bright and early enough to have the husband's sperm washed before the procedure. That was fun times because I decided to have no caffeine whatsoever. So I was nervous, anxious, and very cranky. As he was doing his thing, another nurse brought me into another room to do another ultrasound to see what was going on with the follicles. As she placed the wand inside, I knew I was ovulating because there was ton of pressure every time she moved it. Luckily the follicle in question was new because it could be seen that both follicles released eggs. I was relieved because I didn't want to go to the same hospital that wouldn't release the findings to my office which could cause some delays if we had to do that type of monitoring. When checking my lining, it was a 9---which I never had in any of my ultrasounds before! The nurse was saying everything looked great in there for the insemination day!

This time the procedure wasn't as bad as my first IUI experience. I didn't get sick but had cramping and pressure. It is to be expected that I would experience the cramping. My husband has a positive outlook while we're in the 2ww hell. I want to share his sentiments but I can't help feeling that it's going to be another failure cycle. Just don't want to have people set me up for heartbreak by telling me that it's going to happen this time. I guess I'm just used to hearing the doctors telling me "Well your bloodwork came in and you're not pregnant" or seeing "not pregnant" on each test I take. Seeing that continuously for four damn years makes you feel so depressed.

So now I wait until May 22nd for my blood test to be taken...to see if the IUI worked or failed. I just hope that it does succeed because I don't know how much I can take.

♥ About Me

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

♥ loves

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.