This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

My little Sheltie has really helped me get out of the house and be somewhat more athletic. Extra TLC, long walks around the community, and treats (of course!) helped her adjust to our family. However, it was also making me recognize how stupid people really are/can be. I have adults (not children but like middle age, mind you) that act as if it's the first time ever seeing a dog. They will shriek, wave their hands, and literally run up to her and stick their hands in her face. Then get all defensive when she backs away or has me shield her and I tell them not to do that with my dog. I get the whole, "Well, you need to socialize her, blah, blah, blah" and of course I have to say something nasty like, "What would you do if you had some strange ass woman stick their hand in your face?  You're lucky she does have human socialization cause she would have bit your hand. If that happened, I wouldn't have my dog anymore since the authorities would euthanize her because you're a dumb ass." Plus, it's the breed's nature to be socially aloof when it comes to strangers. It took her awhile to be good with me and she's finally warming up to the hubby.  So get over yourself, assholes!

It dawned on me the last time someone did this to put it out on a blog. So what are my biggest pet peeves (ranked from 1 being the worst and going down the list):

1. Run up to her and start putting your hands in her face!  Ask if you would like to pet my dog. Common sense, right? But people don't have this and just come up to her. I've tried the ribbons, yell at them and they still do it!  If you ask me, 99.99% I will say yes, stop and ask to just be a little bit careful since she's shy to new people. There has been occasions where I have ask kids to not pet her when they asked (please see below too). One was her getting stung by a bee and I had to get home ASAP since she was limping. The other time was when she wasn't feeling well at all and starting vomiting on our walk (she had a hernia in her stomach but since removed). She's very friendly towards fellow dogs and people, and they can tell she's always happy but what if she wasn't? This is one of my biggest pet peeves and I've been known to yell at people (mostly punk teenagers that try to instigate her) for not having any etiquette to ask. 
2. Demanding what they want to do with my dog! I had this one lady's little toddler (about 2 or 3) yelling that she loved my dog and that she wanted to pet it. Because in this day and age, grandparents/parents have their kids be the decision maker in all situations, they first asked me if I could come over and let her pet my dog. This is another case where I will say no when asked. I really don't mind kids petting her, I really don't want to say no because she is awesome with kids. However, there's an ongoing case near my hometown that hit close to my heart. Grandparents had a 7 year old Sheltie named Jack. Because no one was monitoring the toddler with the dog, there was an instance where he nipped her in the cheek. No one knows what exactly happened if the kid grabbed Jack too harshly or what. He drew blood and she had to have a couple of stitches. Since that occurred, the hospital has to get the law into it since it will now be a CPS investigation. (You can read more here: Save Jack on Facebook!) So, because I'm the dog's owner, I politely said no. They didn't like my answer and said, "Why not? Come over here and let her pet your dog?! Don't you hear her crying?" Of course being the bitch that I am, stated, "Yes, I do hear your brat whining and demanding that she wants to pet my dog. Just because she's wanting to, doesn't mean she gets what she wants. I won't and shouldn't be expected to cater to you nor your child's demands." Because if I said I didn't feel comfortable for her to be around the toddler, my dog would be accused of being aggressive and a danger in the community (which is obviously a lie). 
3.  Don't put an aggressive dog on a leash when it's outside. Where I live, there's a leash law that people are supposed to abide by. I follow it, bring a bag to scoop her poop (another law) but most people won't clean up after their dog. I had this one husky come up to us (who is petite to compared to this breed) and I was on the other side of the street, sniffed and started almost attacking her. But I was the one that was in the wrong because I was walking my dog around those parts. Last time I checked, it's America and I can walk where I damned well please. However, it's the law to put your dog on a leash no matter if you're present in the yard. 'Cause obviously it took your tubby ass a long time to control your dog. Recently, I called the dog catcher to apprehend a pit bull mix that was harassing my dog when she was defecating. There was no owner in sight so it was in doggy jail for a couple of days. There is a reason why there's a leash law in place!
4. "Don't worry he/she is very friendly (as the dog is growling and spitting uncontrollably)!  There were a few exceptions to this rule but sadly, most people don't really know their dog. Sometimes I don't and there were times that she almost snapped at a Chihuahua for getting too close. However, I dragged her away when I saw the tail signs saying to back away. If she has an off day, I'll say it to people who ask me if she's friendly. Again, I want to socialize her with other dogs but I don't want her to get a complex where she'll be afraid of a certain sized dog because she got attacked. With the husky, she did have that and it was only corrected when I took her to a pet-sitting service. Ironically, she fell in love with a husky pup there! 
5. Don't just start giving her treats.  Like the asking to be pet, ask me if it's okay to give her a treat. In Wales, there was a report of someone giving dogs sausages that were laced with nails. (Dog Walkers Beware in Wales!) I know that you may sound sincere and just give them to her but also she's fed natural products and those treats may upset her tummy. 
6. Being a know-it-all and creepy. Someone came up to me and stated that she loved my Border Collie. I politely told her that she's a Blue Merle Sheltie even though she gets called that or a Rough Collie all the time. I even joke that they are relatively in the same collie category but different types of breeds. She goes off saying I'm wrong and that I should know the difference because they are so different. Again, I politely explain that's what my AKC papers state she's a pure-bred with a gorgeous lineage and there are also different sizes for Shelties (some are small like the Sables but she's a little bit bigger). You would think that would make them shut up? Nope, I was then told (as I walked away) that my papers are wrong and she's a Border Collie and continues to say that to her when I'm walking around the town. I had a guy say to me that I'm cruel to my dog because I get her groomed per breed guidelines instead of getting her completely buzz cut when it's hot. No, it's cruel to not bring some water with you on walks or not paying attention to your Sheltie who barks at everything that moves. I also had a woman when talking almost pulling my dog into her house because she thought my dog was hot when she sat down in the shade when I was quickly talking to someone (not even five minutes). I have contemplated bringing mace with me so I can defend myself in these situations. 

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.