This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

It's been almost four months since my manager and HR huddled into my office and told me I was another lay-off casualty.  Almost four months of looking hard and "wowing" the socks off of interviewers for positions that I thought would get because of my qualifications.

And almost four months, I still do not have a job.

What was hilarious in this case was that three weeks later, the enrollment freeze ended and management (like always) didn't know what to do with those that they laid off even though they were categorized as being permanently gone.  Instead of calling back those that were affected and asking if they were still interested in their old job (which would be the logical and common sense thing to do), they were called back to arrange a freaking interview for their old job.  This was no guarantee that they would get their position and I learned that the hard way.  At first it was devastating but I eventually got over it.  My philosophy is that if they didn't want me, that's fine but do not call me or ask me to reapply when the person there quits, gets fired, or transfers because they can't stand the manager.  Believe me, that department had four people that were in that specific position before I came in a six month period. This should have told me to run far away when I got the job offer but I thought it was just the previous employee attitudes or got another job offer that had a better pay.  To this day I do not know how I managed to not walk out, get fired, or shoot up the place during my four year "career" there.  Please note that I am a very patient and sane woman but the manager that I had to deal with was a nightmare.

But I'm still going on the cruise in September though!  If I didn't buy the plane tickets, I was contemplating to see if I could rearrange the dates so we could go sooner than expected.  We would have our vacation (mind you, this would be my first real one since I first started working at Job Corps) and just be able to enjoy ourselves. When I bought the tickets, it was way before I got the WARN letter stating that lay-offs could take place. Thus, I never contemplated on buying refundable airline tickets. The upside to this was that I only purchase one-ways the morning of the cruise because I needed to get a direct flight.  I purchased them early so I couldn't buy round-trip since Jetblue hadn't released the return dates.  And that is the downside because I have yet to purchase them!  I am hoping that the travel sites will have a sale soon.

The same for staying at Universal but we were able to change our dates for a $50 revision fee.  Even reformatting it didn't help us so we had to cancel it altogether.  Luckily we are going to be receiving the initial security deposit back, which was $100. The hubby and I are still going to enjoy Universal but just not stay on property like we wanted to.  Utilizing Priceline.com, I managed to get a really good deal on a hotel that is a hop, skip and a jump from Universal.  In previous years, I could never get my bid to successfully go through because hotels weren't accommodating my inner cheap-skate until last night!  Got it for $35 for three nights but they charge the ever loving beejezus out of you with "fees".  In all actuality, I only paid an extra twenty dollars when you factor in that security deposit!

However, I did get insurance on the cruise to the Bahamas and I'm thankful that I did.  It covers any medical necessity, lost or stolen baggage, or trip cancellation.  I almost completely cancelled it but when we discussed it, everything was already paid.  Plus, it is an all inclusive trip so the only thing we really were paying for were alcoholic drinks, souvenirs or excursions.  If I really play our cards right with souvenirs, Christmas gifts would be done!  Two for one!

Jer made a great point last night where he reminisced at when we were dating and went on Spring Break to Florida back in 2004.  It was our first big trip together (we went to Canada but since we were closer to there than Florida, it doesn't count, lol!) and we managed to save whatever we could to go.  He drove the entire way there in about a day and we didn't even stay on property.  When I went to Disney with my family in 1999, I still had a couple of days on one of my passes at my house.  At that time when you bought Disney park hoppers, you didn't have to pay extra for the unlimited feature like you do today.  We had a seven day ticket at that time and I think we used all but two days.  My mom let me use my brother's pass too because he grew out of Disney (who does that?  That is the only place I still feel like I'm a kid again!).  With this trip I admit I went all out because I wanted us to enjoy and embrace these adventures before we have kids.  We did splurge more on our honeymoon when we went to Florida.  Looking back to compare, we had just as much fun in 2004 when we were penny pinching!

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.