This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Many people don't get me, way before the whole infertility/miscarriage thing occurred.  Maybe that I have a quirky and dark sense of humor.  It's an acquired taste.  I could make friends and liked to talk to new people but they weren't the type that could be friends with me for very long.  It was a very one-sided relationship to most but a few did stay and still keep in touch...mostly where I was making most of the effort.  College was great to me because I worked hard and thought I formed better friendships there than I did in high school.

It was true for the some that still keep in touch.  Like my bestie who was my roommate in college that was also my maid of honor in my wedding.  We still keep in touch and a couple of days ago I was so distraught and called her really early in the morning.  She picked up and we talked until I felt better.  She's been there for so many things and I'm so glad that she is in my life.  She knows she can do the same if she is ever in that situation.

But there's another friend that kinda makes me wonder what goes on in her mind.  There's quite a distance between us but I thought she was the type of friend that I could tell her anything and she'll be supportive.  I never thought I could be so wrong because she is so different.  Where she brings up kids and then brings up infertility and automatically assume that I shouldn't even say anything about my own experience of being isolated by people or agreeing on her viewpoints.  I'm not glass, I promise I won't break.  I think it brings closure to me if I discuss what happened so people understand that it does happen and I'm not ashamed of it.  That if one other woman describes what happened to me to another person in that situation, it makes them feel like they are not alone.  The thing that really gets me is why bring it up?  To try to bring me down and not like the results of not making me feel like shit?  Then quickly say, "Well, my phone is about to die, I gotta go.  Plus, it's late and I got to go to work."  I never heard her get off the phone so quickly all the times we talked.  Maybe she did need to charge her phone but her asking how my job was at Job Corps when I supposingly talked to her through e-mail about getting laid off recently makes me doubt that.  Maybe that is why we haven't talked since last September, that was the last time I left a message to call me back.

But I guess with some people that I associate with I need to set my expectations a little bit lower than others.  That way I don't get disappointed in what they have to say or when they don't make the effort that I do to keep in touch.   Upset at their actions and then feel like I did something wrong.  I know that when I needed some of my friends the most, they were nowhere to be found.  Hell, they de-friended me the day I announced on my Facebook that I was no longer going to be a mother!  I guess the saying about fair-weather friends are true.  It made me learn that I don't need those type of people in my life--just there when the going gets good and just up and leave when times are tough.

I wished that it didn't hurt so much.

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.