This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

I kinda knew this was going to happen but honestly, I though I still had some time.  On Friday, all of my staff members (minus the managers) were gathered into the Rec building that we have and were notified by our Center Director that layoffs will happen.  Why?  Because of the enrollment freeze that happened last month.  The Job Corps program is having money difficulties but it was discovered due to mismanagement in Washington.  We did this last year in the summer and also in December 2012 but no one realized that the debt would quadruple.  That is why the enrollment freeze happened again and were told that it could end on June 30th.  However, that is the date for the Summer Break and we would need to wait until after that is over. 

So why I am really dismayed that I may get laid off?  Because in this meeting none of us were notified of when this layoff will occur or if it's going to be in spurts.  We were also promised that we would get a letter yesterday detailing benefits in which we never got (tomorrow it should be delivered through the post office)!  We are anticipating that so many will graduate but we can't predict how many will leave under any other reason.  I know that on Friday, we had four more students leave abruptly and will not return.  This is due to having a Level 1 Zero Tolerance charge, which means automatic termination.  The others could come back but it will be after the freeze.  Our center can house up to 280 students and that is not including those that don't live on campus.  The number of students after Friday is 240 students, contracted for 270 students with the Department of Labor.  We are also contracted to have so many staff members to students as well.  There are also hiring freezes in place and staff were transferred to those positions until this is all over.  Which is great to those that are directly affected by the enrollment freeze. But since jobs are now filled, layoffs will be the next step.

Those that are canned can come back once we're able to have input groups in the summer.  Personally, if they do this to me, I'm not coming back.  Just shows that they can take advantage of staff work really hard because that is their work ethic.  If that occurs, the center can reevaluate the pay wages, staff would lose their vacation time and also benefits.  But because they would have to reapply, that is only if the center will hire them back.  Some have worked there for years and they don't deserve this bullshit. If I do go back, I will not have not any vacation time to use for the cruise.  Depending when I get the letter, it will detail the money I get if I'm the chosen one to be let go.  I will most likely also be in a "probationary" period and that could detour me from going.  I've also had major issues with them making really big deals over small things.  I follow our handbook to the T and I get a call almost every single week about something that is covered.  Also because of my medical condition, the center likes to try to be discriminatory about it and attempt to say that I can't go to appointments because of the work load for that particular day.  I have to literally send them an e-mail of what the region has said that I have to be accommodated due to law.  So why bother with this company who has gotten away of abusing their dedicated employees?

I've been putting my resume out to hiring companies and without any fail, get a letter stating that they have found someone "more qualified for the position".  Seems fishy to me because I have experience in clerical work (10 years or so!).  Even though DH and I were waiting until after the cruise to start again, with this happening at work it looks like we're TTA even longer.  If I miraculously get pregnant again and have a new job, I have to be there for about a year to get maternity leave (but that depends on the company so it could be shorter).  I also don't to get pregnant if I'm on unemployment, just not my style.

Labels: Job Corps, layoff

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.