This little sanctuary of mine gives me the outlet to show all the rawness of dealing with Pregnancy Loss and Infertility. Many people frown on couples that admit life doesn't go the way society wants it to: Where true happiness is when you see your newborn child. Way too much of a taboo subject that shouldn't be. In this baby-centric world, where does one go to getaway with the endless and judgmental questions/comments that they get from strangers, friends, and even family? Who do you talk to when some of your friends just don't get it? Saying outrageous and down right cruel "advice", "The day that you get pregnant is the day I'll get married...which is never" (How can you say that to someone that you promised to be supportive?), "Relax, it'll just happen (please share that with my recent dead baby...because they wouldn't of spontaneously died if I had not relaxed?)", "Well, you know it wouldn't of been healthy, right?" (Would you care to read my pathology report stating that my angel didn't have any chromosomal abnormalities so there is no real closure as to what happened...total definition of Spontaneous Miscarriage), and to the most cliche question to be ever asked: "Why don't you get a dog, it's the same thing?" (Yes because people don't give people the crazy look to avid dog lovers, especially to those that refer to them to 'furbabies' or random strangers suggest to call them). Oh wait, that opens the doors to more intrusive questions like, "You know that raising a baby is different than raising an animal?" or "You would need to get rid of your animals once you're pregnant or have kids. They will kill them."

Get these asked to you repeatedly for four damn years! I could go on but it drives me nuts. Would I ask insensitive questions to a cancer patient? Would I make gross comments that there shouldn't be cancer awareness months to someone who's in remission? Would I ask a friend who has brain cancer how the intimate and graphic procedures to remove it in a public setting? If you answered "no" to all of these, then why does it seem fine for those that are diagnosed with Infertility or have numerous unexplained miscarriages? Some complete strangers like the pharmacist that should be doing their job instead of making comments that you really don't need that medication and should question your doctor. Or that cashier that says, "I would kill myself if I had to use these to have my five kids" when they are ringing up your ovulation predictor kits.

Most of these posts are filled with angst and I'll be the first to admit and accept this. If you ever did meet me, you wouldn't even think I was the person who was just mad at the world. Whenever a shitty day arrives albeit it be a failed natural/IUI cycle, follies taking too long to mature, or the office slut who never wanted kids get miraculously knocked-up and doesn't know the baby daddy, this blog aids in releasing this anger. Life isn't fair but it doesn't mean that it gives society a pass. I think we, as humans, need to be able to show more compassion and empathy to those that are forced to suffer in silence. Not holding my breath though!

To view this blog, just use the links on the left hand side. If you want to see back entries you will need to go to "Diaries" then click "Entries" to view them. I'm working on getting a link on the bottom of my previous entries so you can see my older ones.

Last week, my husband was getting nervous that it has been a while since our last sonogram so he made an appointment for an elective one. The good news: we didn't have to go through our insurance to get this done! The bad news: We had to choose a "viewing" package in order to do this.  Because it's not a necessary procedure, gender reveal parties have been growing in popularity over the years. We wanted to get the families up this weekend to see for themselves, however, my parents are in Florida and my in-laws couldn't make it. We were thinking of doing something on FaceTime but wouldn't work because they aren't really tech savvy. That was fine because it was really nice to see our little bub-a-lub just by ourselves for fifteen minutes.

We get everything all set and the technician was making sure that our little one was okay before going further. Our babe has big feet and I'm really thinking that Bub is going to be tall. We could see he/she moving and we were thinking that the baby was practicing breathing since its mouth kept opening and closing. I noticed that the facial feature looks a lot like my husband's chin and nose.

Then the big reveal...what gender was Bub?  I really wanted a healthy baby and didn't care what the gender would be. It didn't take long and the tech revealed that our miracle baby is a---Boy! Our little one wasn't modest to say the least. After our appointment we went to Babys R Us and bought some boy onesies.

All in all, a great day!

It's been too long since I last updated but I have been crazy busy with my jobs. I have been reaching each and every milestone....it feel so surreal; as if I'm going to wake up from a wonderful dream. There was one scare earlier in January where I was bleeding bright red blood. After going to the hospital, I had a sub chronic hemorrhage that just started to form around Bub-A-Lub's placenta. At that time, it was 1.5 cm but the doctors weren't sure if it would die down or not. Complete bed and pelvic rest was ordered and I had to have a follow-up with my new OB. When I did the follow-up the SCH resolved on its own. It was the scariest couple of days since my last miscarriage where I was in limbo hell. No matter what my doctor did to soothe my worry about it being common, I still couldn't

We have a wiggler though because in each scan that we have, our little one doesn't want to sit still! It's so funny to see him/her just being stubborn for the tech. I have finally told my parents and they were surprised but very excited to become grandparents. I have so many copies of the below picture so I got a frame for the ultrasound picture and sent them a belated anniversary card as a reveal.

As we near the end of the first trimester, it has been thankfully (and knock on wood) uneventful and mainly symptom free. I have felt nauseous but I'm not throwing as much as I did with my last three pregnancies. I've been feeling extremely tired though. This morning I had to call into work since I was dry heavig every two steps when walking my dog. Next week is the 2nd trimester and I'm hoping that I get more energy!

I was a nervous mess today not because I'm another year older but I had no idea if I was going to hear the heartbeat. My husband and I made a trip up to the RE's office for the (hopefully) last time to see if my baby's was progressing like they should. After getting set-up and all, the tech was looking at the monitor and didn't face it towards me which made me even more nervous. Was she not seeing the heartbeat, was she trying to turn up the sound so we can hear that beautiful sound? Or was she bracing us for the worst news that it was another miscarriage?

Nope, she smiled and gave us a thumbs up once she was able to see the heartbeat! Because the office's equipment is so old there wasn't a way for us to hear it but we got to see it. Very neat to see it and it's a healthy 145 bpm! Spoke to the another specialist and since everything is perfectly fine at this time...they really couldn't be asking for anything more at this point. They officially graduated me and my husband took me out for dinner for my birthday. Here's my little bub-a-lub:

The greatest birthday gift ever!

So now my next task will be finding an OB that specializes with pregnancy loss. It's going to be a difficult task since my area it seems like they're fertile hoes that don't need any help.

This has been one of my happier days in such a long time. It started out nerve wrecking because I was so anxious about today's medical appointment outcome that I couldn't sleep. The ultrasound couldn't get any better! There was a beautiful little dot and in my uterus, where he/she should be. The tech looked around and found the gestational sac and we could even see the littlest yolk sac forming. It had to be really pointed out to us but when my husband was getting concerned the tech was able to show us that it's forming.

Then we spoke to our specialist who was elated that I was able to get pregnant on my own. He gave me something that I never was given before---a sonogram picture! Unfortunately I left in my husband's car and he had to go to back to his mom back home. I'll post it in a few days once he comes home.

The next appointment is on my birthday and we should be able to hear the heartbeat. I'm freaking out because we have never heard one at all. I was told that I could use baby aspirin but I didn't have to. I want to use that just in case that was an issue but why fix something that's not broken?

So either I will have the best birthday ever or the worst one I've ever had. I'm hoping that this is it and we hear that beautiful heartbeat.

This morning I went down to the lab for them to do my betas. My office is over the moon that I'm pregnant and told me my numbers are 783! So that's the reason why my pregnancy test popped the results up so quickly. I'm about 4 weeks and 3 days along. Friday I have my ultrasound and going to speak with my specialist to see what will happen moving forward. 

The last couple of days I have been feeling really tired and cranky. I just thought I was working too much and just needed to catch up on some sleep. Then this morning I had the worst nausea ever, I nearly threw up when I was working on the phones! So during my break I bought a pregnancy test because I was late. Since I have irregular periods I just thought my period was just about to arrive. There was a little surprise waiting for me in the bathroom....

I'm pregnant!

I have no idea how far along I am but judging by how quickly it came up with the positive result, I'm at least over 4 weeks. This month I had to postpone fertility treatments because of the Buffalo weather in early November. Rightfully so because there was no way my husband and I could drive to the specialist office almost everyday. So I never kept track of when I was ovulating or when we decided to have sex. Even though I feel like every other time I was pregnant this time it's different. I haven't had implantation bleeding the week prior.

I'm crossing my fingers and toes that this is it but being overly cautious. My EDD is August 14, 2015 if all goes well!

So this month I again have to wait (aka "benched") because I waited to make sure that I was in fact not pregnant. Last Monday the blood test confirmed it but too late to start with the ultrasounds and bloodwork. Plus with the mild form of ohss it was best. 

My name is Jessica and I'm 31 years old. I live in WNY, married to the love of my life and have two adorable kitties and pup! I work from home and absolutely love it! Gotta pay the bills, y'all!

Even though most of our time together has been blissful, there is also some pain to our story. In 2005 I had an ectopic pregnancy and in 2010 I had a missed miscarriage. An ectopic is when the fetus implants somewhere else, rather in the uterus (most common areas are the Fallopian tubes). A missed miscarriage is when the body still thinks the fetus is alive when it passed. After the two losses, we went to an RE who then diagnosed us as Unexplained Infertility and Reoccurring Pregnancy Loss in 2011. May 2014 I then miscarried again at 5 weeks with a chemical pregnancy after our second IUI.

If things couldn't get any worse, I was then diagnosed with Narcolepsy after I was misdiagnosed with being clinically depressed. After the lengthy battle of getting that diagnosis out of my medical records, we are still up in the air if we plan to adopt. Most adoption agencies will not consider adults who are diagnosed with this or any other mental illnesses all in the name of keeping the child's best interest in mind. This fight was just for my sake because agencies still frown on me because of my recent diagnosis. But the hypocrisy in all of that is where is CPS keeping that perspective to a drug addicted mother who can't take care of her kids but still keeps those she reproduces with a "sperm donor"? What is wrong with me being an adopted mother because I'm a Narcoleptic? I routinely make sure I take my medication, follow a strict diet, go to my routine medical appointments to ensure my medication is working, and pursuing job opportunities. Ahh, because it's medical expenses that my health insurance covers but it makes them think I don't have any money nor energy for that child. right.

Of course, my first love will be my adorable hubby! He's my rock and is there when I need him the most. I don't know if I could get through my dark days without him. I love to watch movies, playing video games, working out, and listening to music. Both of us are Disney fans and love going down to Florida every now and then.